Humorists Vow Not To Make Light Of 'Croc Hunter's' Death
As a show of respect for the recently-deceased Steve Irwin, the legendary "Crocodile Hunter" who helped show millions the world over that crocodiles can be picked up and loved more easily than once thought, humorists the world over have announced that they will refrain from making any jokes about the man who helped "crickey" become a household word.
"It would be so easy to, for example, introduce a character named 'Happy Coked Up Crocodile' who was safe and free to do cocaine now that Steve Irwin is deceased," said late night talk show host Conan O'Brien, "but we're not going to even go there. Maybe in a couple of years, but not yet."
"Did you hear that Steve Irwin died from a stingray barb through the heart? Apparently the crocs had a hit put out," said Jay Leno. "You see, that's exactly the kind of thing you won't hear me saying. Even comedians need to be a little respectful every now and then."
Even The Enduring Vision, recently statistically proven to be the most popular reason why people buy a computer, declined to write a piece for the occasion.
"I carefully filter any headline that we come up with for taste, and there's no way anything having to do with Steve Irwin would make it through," commented site owner and Steve Irwin fantasizer Josh Righter, carefully putting the finishing touches on a new story, "Study Reveals Nazis Were Right All Along".
Few events in history are deemed completely untouchable by humorists. Even the tragedy of September 11th, 2001 was quickly parodied and incorporated into pop culture, as exemplified by Hostess' September 12th, 2001 Twinkie commercial that featured two Twinkies resembling twin towers, with a comical Muslim man driving a plane into them and subsequently asking, "Hey, where's the cream filling?"
But Irwin's death represents a rare moment of tragedy for the world: a single sorrowful act that everyone can agree leaves the world a sadder place. This unanimity makes the subject completely immune to all parody and satire, according to professor of linguistics Dr. John Thorpe.
"There were some who cheered the collapse of the twin towers, or even the removal of Pluto from our planetary solar system, but not a single individual in the world is happy that a man who got us all through so many dark times is now gone," Thorpe said. "Steve Irwin was perhaps the world's last absolute good."
Citizens the world over agree that Irwin's death is the last thing that anybody wants, especially in what many view as troubling times.
"It's like, you're already down about everything that's happening in the Middle East, and a damn near terrorist attack on British planes, and who knows what else, and all of a sudden you hear the crocodile hunter is dead," said one U.S. citizen. "It's like, 'What the fuck, man? That's just not even necessary.'"
"This has more or less confirmed to me that God does not exist," said an Australian man. "What did Steve Irwin ever do to anyone besides make us smile, and help crocodiles realize that we humans are friendly, and not so bad after all?"
Fortunately, the world at large is recognizing the impact Irwin had on everyone's lives by giving a tremendous outpouring of sympathy and honor for his life, putting together huge bouquets of tribute, and eating delicious crocodiles of remembrance. Even President Bush made a compassionate speech from the White House today.
"This brave man brought a little joy to all of us," he said. "And, if he were standing here today, I'm sure he would say that our troops are the bravest people of all, and that they shouldn't come home."
In fact, the one small faction of people who appear even somewhat less than sorrowful over Irwin's death are hardline conservatives, who are humorless people anyway.
"Let's face it, folks: the man promoted a message of conservation and environmentalism, and promoted a greater understanding of our natural world," said Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly, passionately kissing himself using a mirror. "He would've been a menace to our society, but fortunately nobody even took him seriously."