Martha Stewart Struggles To Make It On The Outside

Martha Stewart, homemaker extraordinaire-turned-felon, returned to her gargantuan estate today looking frail, sickly and rattled by the strange and foreign air of freedom after five long months in a minimum security prison. As cameras followed, Stewart appeared shaken as she left prison to begin her new life in the harsh face of a world obsessed with what kind of outfit she would be wearing upon release.

"The life I knew before I went in is gone," she cried. "Now I have to reschedule all my interviews, and come to grips with a world that has changed so little since my last live television appearance."

As adoring fans hooted and hollered in her direction while two black SUVs took her away from the women's prison in Alderson W. VA, she sobbed to reporters, "They took away my life and left me with this - nothing!"

Though finding gainful employment should not be hard for the $900,000 per year salaried magnate, time spent in prison was harsh on Stewart. After five long months of faceless institutionalization, rejoining the world that endlessly speculated and obsessed over her has been an especially cruel process.

"Martha's encounter with the salt of the earth really fucked her up royally," said a lawyer for Stewart. "How can she be expected to just walk back into her office and start doing business with those who have kept her multi-billion dollar empire afloat as if nothing happened in those five months? Remember that she just spent hard time seeing the same sad faces and being just one of a crowd, a crowd whose toilet seats weren't heated and whose sheets were washed by machine. Now we expect her to just step right back into the limelight, always wondering which pair of slippers suits the carpet in her New Hampton summer mansion without any adverse reaction? Come on, people."

Shaking the habits learned in prison has been hard for the professional homemaker. According to attorneys and friends, Stewart had become accustomed to eating food in community dining rooms prepared by people that don't even speak French, sleeping in beds that she had to make herself, and washing her own hands. Being surrounded by servants and admirers is difficult for Stewart, and her reaction has confused those around her.

"Martha has told us that she prefers to have her meals served cafeteria-style," said Stewart's personal chef Pierre Francois. "She also seemed to brighten up just a little bit when, struck by an idea, I said, 'You eat when I say you eat, you shit when I say you shit, you bake a saffron and shallot soufflé when I say -- you got, that you maggot lick motherf… uh, er, Ms. Stewart?'"

The removal from the routine environment to which Stewart had grown accustomed has not been her only cross to bear. Coming to grips with her place in the world, experts say, will the hardest part of the process of returning to society. The lifestyle and the status obtained in the can have not translated well into the life of freedom she now lives.

"Everyone loved me on the inside," said Stewart. "If someone needed a pillow embroidered they came to me. If one of the cooks serving 8-10 [years for crimes committed] needed advice on how to spice up the potato goulash, I was the one they always went to. Who else in the joint knows how to stitch the holes in jumpsuits that get torn up during brawls in the yard? Now, if someone needs home decorating advice or wants help in the kitchen, all they need is high-speed internet access, or the Food Network. Just maybe they'll purchase my line of 'Days of the Week Decorator Towel Set' to help, but there are just too many other choices and not any room in this world for an old dog like me anymore."

The corporate godhead then ascended atop her desk and carved into one of the rafters in her office the words "Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. Was Here" and ordered all reporters and shareholders out of the room.

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