Jesus Helps Woman Buy Car

Christian deity Jesus "AKA OG Original Gangsta" Christ used his goodwill and magical powers, believes Des Moines, Iowa resident JoAnne Rimar, to assist her in purchasing a car, something she firmly maintains she could not have done without him.

The influence of the son of God began, says Rimar, when she received an offer via email for an exciting credit card that promised "Z3r0 perceent interest, building your cred!t is for y0u".

"The funny thing is, right before I got that email, I heard a report on the news about the cost of gas," Rimar explained. "So when I got it, I know Jesus was telling me that yes, I should buy a new car."

Rimar added that the email promised that it was an exclusive offer just for her, cluing her in as to its "specialness and holiness".

Using the credit card, Rimar began paying for all of her purchases with credit, thus saving money for a down payment on the Holymobile, as she affectionately calls it.

"Folks without faith would definitely be scared of the debt I had to go into to afford this, but I'm confident I made the right choice," she said, briefly leaving the interview to tell a man calling from the bank to direct all future queries to Jesus at "extension number one in my heart". "Thousands of years ago, my Savior was born in a manger on some hay and sand, and now he's here, helping to show me the truth and the way about cars."

Vehicular verisimilitude isn't the only avenue through which Jesus guides Rimar's life; she says the OG also helps her through traffic jams, gusts wind onto her face if she is hot, and assists her in making animal slaughter sacrifices and changing money in church.

But can Jesus, who by one account is a floating green thing with wings, really be so influential in the life of an individual? Many believers say yes -- and claim they have proof.

"If Jesus never helped me in my life, then why would anything good ever happen to me at all?" asked James Schwartz, considered the most prestigious and wise Christian scientist in the United States. "I say that the proof that Jesus helps me with my salary and the ladies is that I have a good salary, and a frankly stunning sex life."

Somewhat contradictorily, many in lower classes of social status also believe that Jesus helps them directly in their daily lives, and some studies even suggest that they are more likely to believe this than rich jerks.

"I wasn't meant to be rich -- that wasn't God's plan for me," said one woman, beaming as she slammed a canoe paddle into six of her 11 children in an effort to stop them from fighting and trying to eat each other. "My plan is more along the lines of 'maintain yon trailer and silently accept abuse from thy husband, and ye shall be rewarded'."

"Thank you," she added, directing her eyes skyward at the exact moment that the portion of the roof directly over her head buckled and rained shingles and asbestos into her eyes.

People like JoAnne Rimar and the recently-deceased trailer lady with lots of kids clearly have strong faith, and Rimar says that the world would be better off with a level of belief comparable to hers, as long as it's not "a wacky Islamic religion". James Schwartz agrees.

"I heard recently that only 28% of Americans believe in the literal word of the Bible," said Schwarz sadly. "Why the heck would people write it down if it wasn't true?"

When asked for comment, Jesus appeared evasive and unwilling to commit to his true involvement in the lives of those like Rimar.

"And people wonder why I drink," he muttered.

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