McCartney Warned About Possible Lewd Super Bowl Performance
Still feeling the sting from last year's Super Bowl halftime show debacle, the NFL and Super Bowl broadcaster Fox have issued a stern warning to this year's performer Paul McCartney, who is rumored to be considering "some kind of crude action" at the show.
"We don't want the controversy of last year's show," said Fox spokesman Dan Hill. "We want a nice, clean show that nobody's offended by, and Mr. McCartney definitely needs to keep that in mind as he performs."
"Besides," he added, "I would think Paul would want to keep things clean, since there's a hell of a big penalty to pay if they aren't."
Hill was then fined $900,000 for his gratuitous use of the word "h***."
Fox claims information has been circulating that McCartney's performance could be problematic, especially in light of his "dangerous, wild, rock 'n' roll past."
"We recently discovered that Paul was once a member of a band named 'The Beatles', who reportedly called themselves 'bigger than Jesus' at one point," Hill said worriedly. "So we went ahead and sent someone down to Paul's dressing room to make sure he wasn't planning a virgin sacrifice at the show."
Executives also questioned McCartney about any intentions of displaying an upside-down cross, references to "Satan, Our Dark Lord And Master", smoking marijuana (or "reefer"), and playing "inciteful" guitar solos and/or dancing "in a pelvic manner."
"At least he's not Elvis Presley," Hill said of the last possible issue. "Thank God that animal is dead."
Hill was then fined $1.3 million for inappropriate use of the words "G**" and "d***."
Concern isn't confined to just McCartney's actions, however; executives also want to ensure that the song or songs he chooses to sing are tasteful, as well.
"He mentioned wanting to sing 'Maybe I'm Amazed', and we just kind of frowned on that one," Hill explained. "I mean, the guy isn't sure if he's amazed or not, and what kind of message does that send about our country?"
Consequently, McCartney was ordered to change the song to "I Am Certainly Amazed (But In A Nice Way)", and he was also advised to sing the newly-revised Beatles songs "Eleanor Rigby Loved Freedom" and "It's Been A Nice Day's Night".
The former Beatle has assured the press that he has no intentions of committing any offensive acts during the show, and that he has kept the sensitivity of American audiences in mind while planning his show.
"I think I'm pretty attuned to what I can and can't do," he said confidently. "And I think everyone's going to be thrilled with my performance, from my first note of my first song to my final encore, in which I masturbate furiously."