Jesus Returns, Can Not Afford To Drive Anywhere
The return of Jesus Manfred Christ to Earth (specifically the U.S.), long-awaited by both Christians and beard-enthusiasts alike, has been marred by the fact that Christ, financially strapped due to only recently coming back to Earth, can not afford high gas prices.
Witnesses say Christ appeared amidst a crackling flash of electricity and light in the sky and plopped naked into an open dumpster. But upon commandeering the car of a nearby believer, he was dismayed to find refueling a painful experience.
"I tried to persuade the clerk to give it to me for free on account of my son of God status -- or at least at a small discount by using my AARP card -- but he didn't go for it," the Savior told us in an interview. "He said it's just too god damned expensive these days, and I wondered how he knew that God hated it so much."
Christ soon encountered similar situations even among the faithful -- he is loved by millions across the country, but not quite enough for them to spare him some money for gas.
"Jesus is my whole life, but seriously, I spent like 65 bucks the other week on gas," said one minister. "I really don't feel like donating charity money to him to fuel his little country-wide tour."
"He really picked a bad time to come," the minister added. "Maybe if he would've come in the year 2000 like we all wanted, he would've been able to afford to drive his little VW all over the place."
For now, Christ can only attempt to puzzle through bus stations, subways, and other forms of public transportation, but in the U.S., this only goes so far.
"I can't believe how retarded public transit is here," the Lord said in exasperation after finding out that the L train did not go where he wanted it to, and that he would need to make a two hour detour in order to transfer, but only after paying additional money and conceding to be dropped off six miles from the original spot. "No wonder I bless China more."
With Christ limited to spreading his message to the places he can reach by bus or bicycle -- made more complicated by the fact that his original landing point was a rural town in Nebraska -- many will have to go to him for the wisdom they seek. But again, gas prices could impede the faith.
"Gee, do I drive to Ne-freaking-braska to get a little blessing and probably a reiteration of the Bible, or do I stay here in New Jersey and save myself the $8,000 that I'd end up needing in fuel?" said one devout Christian sarcastically. "Jesus, I love you, man, but you're not going to put my kid through college."
Worse, many say that other various crises at home and abroad -- a Presidential administration many are dissatisfied with, a tumultuous war, illegal wiretapping, and Carlos Mencia still being on the air -- are more concerning to them at the moment than Jesus' inauspicious return.
"Maybe if he straightened out my prescription drug plan I'd be a little more happy to hear about him," griped a Florida senior. "Or maybe he could just talk to George W. Bush about it, since the two of them supposedly chat it up so damn much."
"Jesus?" said a New Orleans resident, laughing uproariously. "Jesus?"
In his defense, Christ said the things many of his constituents are griping about "aren't easy fixes".
"I mean, I was known for bringing people back from the dead and such, but that was a long time ago," he said. "How many of you can still fit into the same size pants you wore in college?"
As of press time, Christ was apparently considering enlisting the help of some local Satanists to re-crucify him and try his return to Earth at a better time.