Man Refers To Thanksgiving As 'Turkey Day', Is Ousted From Family
Quakertown man Jonathan Miller reportedly referred to Thursday's Thanksgiving holiday as "Turkey Day" numerous times over the duration of the holiday, a mistake that cost him status as someone of the Miller family, according to several of his former family members.
Miller's use of the title Turkey Day to describe Thanksgiving was "entirely stupid" and "unacceptable", according to brother Jim Miller.
"It's just an incredibly moronic thing to say," he said with disgust. "I couldn't believe I was hearing those terrible words coming out of my own brother's mouth."
Uncle Terry, widely reputed to be the jokester of the Miller family, said that his nephew's mislabeling of the holiday is no laughing matter, even to him.
"He said to me, 'Happy Turkey Day, Uncle Terry!'" he recalled, his eyes growing painful. "I said, 'What the hell did you just say to me?' I thought it had to be some kind of mistake. Of course I did -- who wants to hear someone from their own family say that? It's just not right."
Miller's mother, Ada, said that she cannot imagine how Miller could've "took it into his head" to use the Turkey Day reference.
"We always tried to bring him up right," she said tearfully. "We were a little afraid he was a homosexual for a while there, but otherwise, he turned out just fine. I just don't understand why he would want to throw his life away like this."
The family did not immediately eject Miller, opting first to eat Thanksgiving dinner. But Aunt Margaret said that the decision to proceed onward merely made the situation more dire.
"The whole dinner was a big, uncomfortable silence," she said. "Everybody was just staring at Jonathan and eating their food. Finally Cousin Marty just shouted, 'For Christ's sakes, Jonathan, Turkey Day? What the hell's the matter with you?'"
Margaret added that it was easily the worst Thanksgiving the family has ever endured, topping even the occasion when Samuel, a brother of Jonathan, was accosted by police for pedophilia charges during the Thanksgiving meal five years ago.
"That was pretty uncomfortable," she said, "but this time just takes the cake. God help this family."
Miller is under strict orders from all members of the family to avoid contact with them at all costs -- at least, until he undergoes intensive psychiatric treatment.
"I don't know how the hell a shrink could fix whatever would make that boy say those words," Uncle Terry said with disgust, "but it's a start."
Others, like Miller's father Tom, are less optimistic.
"I have no son," he said flatly upon inquiry. "I would never help produce a living human being that would grow up to one day call Thanksgiving Turkey Day. Blame somebody else for this. Blame...blame..."
Tom then broke down in tears and had to end our interview prematurely.
As for Jonathan Miller himself, he is currently pleading ignorance to his grave error.
"I was just trying to be cute and clever!" he protested, being led away to a psychiatric hospital. "I swear I didn't realize how much damage I would cause! Oh Jesus, forgive me!"
But a statement from Jesus indicated that such forgiveness would not be granted.
"No way, dude," He said, shaking his head. "That is just way too god damned gay."