Katrina Anniversary Brings Fierce Debate Over Pronunciation Of 'New Orleans'
Today marks the day when, one year ago, hurricane Katrina -- an especially fierce storm that the U.S. government now believes was caused by homosexuals -- slammed into the Gulf Coast, which most people quickly learned was slang for "New Orleans".
Yet even today, as dreams are rebuilt out of sleep and alcohol, discussion still rages over how to properly say "New Orleans", suggesting that the nation still has a lot of planning to do in case of another storm that hits an area with varying pronunciations.
Attempts setting a standard for all to follow range from the overly-hasty "New Orlins" to the over-done "New Or-lee-anns" to the overly-authentic "N'Ahlins", but it appears unlikely that a consensus will be reached in the near future, even though many still hold hope.
"This mis-mash of different talking is a real mess," admitted President Bush, who toured the region today after being informed by advisors of the storm a few weeks ago. "I think there are communication failures happening here. But I also think this is the beginning of a new future, a future where we'll all say New Orloans the exact same way."
To this day, the federal government is spending over $110 billion to try and ensure people can agree on a proper way to say the city's name. It is unclear how the money is intended to be used; many officials say the fact that it's "flowing around here and there" should hopefully be enough.
"Shit, I'm gonna get some," said wacky mayor Ray Nagin, grinning and putting on what he repeatedly called his "fancy top hat". "I will get that money, and then I will call forth my black ancestors from the grave."
When asked for his take on the pronunciation issue, Nagin gave the perplexing and terrible answer of "Jew Orleans".
In addition to the money, the President and others around the country held a moment of silence at 9:38 a.m. for the city, with the idea being that everyone could take the opportunity to think more clearly about how they wanted to pronounce "Orleans". But the silence only seemed to augment the difficulty facing the beleaguered city.
"I got it!" the President burst out after 12 silent seconds. "What about 'New Or Leans'? Like, pick one, new or leans. It's kind of a wordplay joke."
Despite the confusion, many residents still soldier on, putting firm stock in the idea that "you can't abandon your city, whatever the hell it's called".
"What kind of people would we be if we gave up on our rotting house and moved somewhere where public schools are functioning?" asked one resident of New It-Which-Cannot-Be-Named. "Stupid, that's what kind. If there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's to stick with things no matter what."
"There was so much culture and history in this city," said another man, "and if we don't continue to persevere, that won't have been there anymore."
Still, many admire the spirit and determination of New Orleaninaninites, even if their efforts may turn out to be futile.
"It's so touching that you really see the best of humanity in a situation like this," said one local church official, "and all it takes is an enormously devastating storm."
It remains to be seen if any hurricanes this season will even come close to approaching the scale and scope of Katrina; Florida recently just narrowly avoided a hurricane watch, but statistically, the only people in the nation who have difficulty pronouncing "Florida" are Floridians themselves, so no one is terribly concerned.