New Orleans Lootings, Shootings Likely Caused By 'Grand Theft Auto', Say Experts
According to CNN, civil unrest is escalating in the beleaguered city of New Orleans, which, like other cities in the Gulf Coast recently, has been weathering the aftermath of the videogame Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
The unrest, which includes looting, three shootings, and loud name-calling, likely stems from the videogame, which was released late last year but only has recently started assaulting the nation with its brazen sexual content.
"Unfortunately for New Orleans and the rest of Louisiana, Alabama, and other states, Grand Theft Auto's secret sex scenes have spurred anarchy and destruction," said Dr. Smart, an expert of things at Focus on the Family, an advocacy group for making everything severely Christian and weird. "What could have been a lovely end-of-summer bash in the nice, clean city of New Orleans has turned into a shoot-a-thon, loot-a-thon, and other destructive thons thanks to this videogame."
In addition to having videogame sex after hacking into the game's code, players can also shoot people and steal cars in the game's fictional city of San Andreas, which Dr. Smart notes may be the same amount of words as New Orleans.
"We're still running some more tests in our labs," he said excitedly, referring to Focus On The Family's state-of-the-art technology centers, which include posters of Jesus and a head with phrenology diagrams on it, "but I think I can say, almost for certain, that San Andreas and New Orleans both have the same number of words. And friends, that's no coincidence."
Although the jury may still be out on the names of the cities, no one is arguing the fact that so far, the death toll for the Northern Gulf Coast region of the country is at least 70, except for a local street preacher, who argued that the people were not really dead, and in fact had just been transformed into fully-conscious pieces of debris and broken pieces of stereo equipment. But either way, are games like Grand Theft Auto really responsible? For many people who hate such games and the fact that other people can play them, that answer is yes.
"Violent video games like this one are the reason why crime has been going up and up, year after year," stated Dr. Smart.
When told that between 1990 and 2000, virtually all U.S. crime index rates -- including murder, burglary, and rape -- per 100,000 inhabitants went down year after year, in many cases eventually reaching levels not seen since 1982, Dr. Smart appeared confused.
"How did you find that?" he demanded. "If you research it, of course you're going to get all kinds of weird numbers."
Smart also pointed to people who readily admitted that games like Grand Theft Auto made them think more often about committing crimes, and that they would likely commit such crimes in the future because of the game.
"Grand Theft Auto turned into a very violent person, when I wasn't one before," said 17 year-old Richard Clatz as his father stumbled by and smashed a whiskey bottle over his face for looking sassy.
"SEX, FUCK, STEAL SOME SHIT," shouted a resident of a local asylum after being shown Grand Theft Auto.
"SEX, FUCK, STEAL SOME SHIT," shouted that same resident after being shown Elmo's Counting Adventure.
"Grand Theft Auto made me want to assassinate people," said Pat Robertson sadly. "Whoever made these terrible games should be assassinated."
But for those stuck in New Orleans, waiting for the flood of violence and sex in the streets to subside and watching for any sign of rescue from the videogame, these discussions don't matter much.
"I never should've watched that damn game," declared one man as he helplessly pummeled his neighbor to steal his bananas. "I really should've moved out of the way of the television or something."