New Pope Chosen, Laughs Maniacally
On just the second day of deliberations, Joseph "Don't Fuck With Me" Ratzinger, a right-hand man to the late John Paul, was chosen as the new Pope, setting off a "reign of terror and crazed destruction" that, the 78 year-old pontiff estimates, could last as many as "several months".
Ratzinger, nicknamed "Cardinal No" for his strict enforcement of traditional church doctrine as well as his famous distaste for red birds, emerged out on to a Vatican balcony Tuesday in full Papal wardrobe, laughing slowly and quietly at first, then gradually increasing in volume until he was cackling over the entire crowd of 35 billion who had gathered to see him.
"The people inside are all dead," Ratzinger chose as his first words as Pope, somehow levitating several inches off the ground as the sky darkened above him. "I am your leader now, and you will address me as such."
As the crowd below murmured and digested the news, one fiery young man angrily shouted up that Ratzinger was a poor replacement for John Paul, who was generally concerned with making sure people lived and were happy. Ratzinger, however, merely laughed off the challenge.
"Only now, before the end, do you realize the true nature of the Papacy," he said, crushing the man with his mind alone.
The entire Vatican lifted up into the air as Ratzinger added, "Now witness the power of this fully operational battle station," and destroyed the Earth's moon.
But despite his apparent vast power, Ratzinger, who is a former member of Hitler's Youth program, an opponent of the idea of female priests, and a fan of the modern rock group Nickelback, is not without his critics, who say he may not be the best choice for a Pope.
"I can't help but feel as if there was someone less evil-looking out there," commented one Catholic. "Jack Nicholson looks like a soft teddy bear by comparison."
"John Paul was so cute!" gusted another member of the now-fleeing crowd. "This guy looks like he would tie me to a chair, cut my head open, and eat my brain out of my skull as I sat there unaware what was happening."
But qualifications aside, Ratzinger does have experience on his side, having been placed in charge of the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith, the Vatican office that oversees "the doctrine on the faith and morals throughout the Catholic world," in 1981 (he was also placed in charge of the Congregation for the Doctrine of Happy Smiling Puppies at the same time, but resigned only months later). In this position, he often took a conservative interpretation of various issues facing the church, causing some friction among those close to him.
"When he condemned other religions as 'not valid' and 'gay' even as John Paul attempted to bring unity throughout the different faiths, I felt spiteful," confessed one Vatican member. "Only after Ratzinger told me that I would soon lose my eyes if I continued my dissent did I change my mind."
"This guy Ratzinger said some pretty mean things about the Soviets back in 1984, calling them 'a shame of our time'," said another church official. "Still, it might be a tough approach that works, since they took down their wall in shame only five years later."
Now, as Pope, Ratzinger says he looks forward to "deeply regressing" the Catholic church as well as using it to "exterminate the brutes" (i.e., non-Catholics and "gay" Catholics).
"Did somebody say 'return of the Inquisition'?" he asked, shooting beams out of his eyes. "I DID."