Olson Twins Turn 18, Are Assaulted By 19 Million Perverts And Geeks Simultaneously

Famed television stars Mary Kate and Ashley Olson turned 18 today, making them of legal age to engage in sexual acts in most U.S. states. However, thanks to what many call the "strange, sick" obsession with the girls from millions of people across the nation manifested in websites dedicated to counting down the days until the girls reached 18, the girls' birthday was not a happy celebration, but rather a "brutal, horrible" event that left the twins in medical care and over 19 million people under arrest.

Ashley Olson relayed the story of what happened from her hospital bed, where she is currently recuperating.

"We were just sitting down for a birthday breakfast, not really having any idea that something was going to happen," she said, sobbing, "when all of a sudden, I thought I heard a dull roar in the distance."

Twin Mary Kate could not hear what her sister was describing at first, but noticed another troubling sign: a glass of water on the table was rippling ominously.

"When I saw that water shaking and started to feel the vibrations myself, I knew there was something horrible about to happen," she said. "I just didn't know what, and I certainly didn't think it had anything to do with our birthdays."

But, as the twins soon found out, it did; the sound and the vibrations were caused by the gigantic hoard of men, aged 16 to 70 and estimated to number over 19 million total, advancing on their home, having heard that the girls were now of legal age.

"We're supposed to have fences and guards and things up to stop stuff like this, but it just...it just didn't work," Mary Kate said. "They sacrificed the first wave or two to topple the electric fence, then just crawled overtop of the bodies of the fallen. When the guards tried to get in their way, they were turned away by the odious stench of unwashed hair, sweat, and greasy food."

The twins, spying the approaching mob through the window, attempted to flee, but it was too late.

"We were counting on them running out of breath and having to stop because of most of them having asthma, but they were all hopped up on their inhalers and seemed to have super strength," Ashley told us. "One of them chewed through the deadbolt on the door, using his braces to help him."

Once inside, the crowd advanced on the hapless girls, apparently intent on performing sexual acts on them. But fortunately for the twins, what eventually happened could only be described as sexual assault in the "loosest possible way".

"They stopped within about two feet of us and starting shuffling their feet, or coughing conspicuously, or looking around for something to talk about," Ashley said. "Some had prepared cards that they tried to read, but stuttered over the words and became flustered. I heard a few say, 'Jesus, I have a wife and kids!' and leave the room. One guy touched me on the arm, then shrieked and fainted."

Despite the lack of any real attack, the girls were wounded by the aforementioned stench coming from the group, and had to be hospitalized. This occurred after police arrived on the scene, and managed to get the nerds to disperse by letting the local football team loose in the house. Some of the older men were removed by officers reminding them that Megan's Law required them to announce their presence in the girls' house to the neighborhood, which was something they were reluctant to do.

Mary Kate expressed gratitude that she and her sister were unharmed, but questioned why the incident occurred in the first place.

"I mean, we really aren't all that attractive, and some of these guys watched us grow up on television," she said, confused. "I don't get how that would be a turn-on."

Sister Ashley agreed.

"There are plenty of pretty, older actresses out there who weren't in the public eye for their whole lives," she said. "I would think some of these guys would go for them."

Still, the sisters agreed that in some ways, the incident was positive news, in that it reassured them that they will have a promising career in the pornography industry after the world inevitably realizes that they have no significant acting skills.

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