Mel Gibson: Christianity Causes DUIs, Anti-Semitism
Hollywood star and weekend Bible salesman Mel Gibson announced today that he has discovered "even more faith" in his religion, thanks to a DUI and encounter with Malibu police that occurred on Friday.
In a statement to the press written on the back of an actual page from the Old Testament, Gibson described his religious experience.
"God works in mysterious ways, and now those ways have led me to an arrest for driving under the influence and making comments against Jewish people," he said. "I am thrilled at the Lord's latest plan for me, and I can't wait to see where my faith takes me next."
Gibson was arrested on Friday night after officers pulled him over and discovered he had a blood-alcohol level higher than the legal limit, which Gibson blamed on being "very close to God".
"Because, the wine is Jesus' blood," Gibson explained at the scene. "Oh wait, that's Catholicism. Still, at least it's not Jewish."
But when officers attempted to place Gibson under arrest, he became belligerent.
"He told me that if I arrested him, he would make a movie that blamed me and my family for the death of Jesus," said an officer who was present at the time of the arrest. "He also told me that he would make 'Paparazzi II: The Police Are In On It'."
Throughout the arrest and subsequent trip to the police station, Gibson says he "sprinkled the conversation" with a smattering of anti-Semitic sentiments as per God's apparent wishes.
"I feel as if God really wanted me to tell that officer that he was part of a large Jewish force out to get me, and that his female partner might be halfway attractive if her damn Jew face wasn't in the way," Gibson said with pride. "Having faith is a wonderful feeling."
Gibson also commented that the Jews were working on a large flying machine that would "suck money from people", and that they would soon colonize the moon, only to turn it into "some kind of lawyer base".
When polled, nearly one person said that they were "kind of surprised" at Gibson's anti-Semitic remarks. Others were unfazed, but the reaction to the statements varied greatly.
"The liberal media is most likely blowing this out of proportion," said one Gibson fan. "What Mel probably said is that he likes the Jews and all, but sometimes they can be huge jerks that ruin the world at every opportunity they get. And honestly -- who doesn't feel that way sometimes?"
"As a Jew who is a Mel Gibson fan, I'm not really sure how I feel about these alleged remarks," said another fan carefully. "But this week, I'm finally going to get to see The Passion of the Christ, so I'm sure that will clear things up for me."
It is unclear if the incident will impact Gibson's latest film, entitled Apocalypto, which is probably about Jews and how stupid they are, according to one angry young Jewish man on an Internet messageboard.
"Mel Gibson does nothing but attack our people, just like the rest of the world," he said bitterly. "Just watch Lethal Weapon II -- you can't even find a scene that isn't filled with anti-Semitic subtext. And 'Martin Riggs' has the same number of letters as 'Adolf Hitler'. Just go join the Lebanese army, Mel!"
The Middle Eastern war may be impacted by Gibson's statement; Hezbollah is celebrating the fact that a well-known celebrity is, as they say, "on their side", and military leaders are using it as a morale-booster for troops.
"Fight, and you may die," said one commander passionately. "Run, and you'll live -- at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance -- just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... our 42 virgins!"