Pitt, Aniston Split Officially Ends U.S. Concern About Asian Tsunami
The separation of Hollywood supercouple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, who have been married for four and a half years, has brought to an end, by way of replacement, America's worry and concern over the earthquake and tsunami that has killed countless thousands in Southeast Asia, according to polls, media analysts, and other sources across the country.
When the shocking news of the split was made public, magazine racks in grocery stores and pharmacies all across the country which had formerly displayed the devastation and heartbreak brought upon the citizens of Thailand, Sri Lanka, India and Indonesia were replaced with pictures of the attractive yet unraveling Pitt and Aniston, "mercifully" ending the weeks of charity and prayer that had so consumed America.
"I'm so glad it's over, thank God!" exclaimed Marsha Wilmington, mother of two, as she purchased a copy of US Magazine and a bag of Cheetos with her Mastercard. "I could only take so much staring into the eyes of the motherless, fatherless, widowed, childless victims of the horrible tragedy. Now that Brad and Jen are through, there is finally a world issue that I know something about."
"Nothing against the tsunami victims, but they really weren't very interesting or attractive," added Janice Helmsly, standing in line behind Wilmington. "I see a tattered woman clutching her baby daughter to her chest, soaked in debris and filth, and I think to myself, 'Jeez, did the tsunami swallow up your stylist, too?'"
The formal separation has also brought about the end of concern over other important world issues such as the war in Iraq, the war on terror, the Ukrainian elections, and continuing strife in the Sudan.
"They've brought us to world peace!" happily exclaimed Ken Dorfman, motivational speaker and guidance counselor. "If only this kind of thing would happen more often, then there would be no insurgency in Iraq, no weapons of mass destruction, and no need for there to even be a Mideast peace process, because everyone would be so anxious to know more and more about Jennifer [Aniston's] secret life that there would be no need to fight for statehood or martyrdom."
"Iraqi elections?" asked Dorfman's wife, owner of a soap opera website, rhetorically. "Unless they're electing a new hubby for Jennifer, I'll pass, thanks!"
Others find comfort in pondering the deeper implications of the split, which allow them to stray even further from the path of more pertinent news.
"Jen and Ben split up, and now Jen and Brad," mused one man, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "If I didn't know better, I'd say there's a pattern here, and I'd also say it's up to me to figure out what it is."
"Maybe Jen will call me now!" exclaimed another man excitedly, who when prompted elaborated that Jennifer Aniston does not have his phone number or identity anywhere in her memory. "She's single, I'm single -- we have so much in common!"
The breakup of the once-happy couple has kept the American public full of useful information that does not involve the death-toll figures in Sri Lanka, the war in Iraq, or the names of relief organizations that are still accepting donations for the families of tsunami victims; Hollywood starlet Tara Reid, friend of the couple, expressed that though she cannot remember the date of the scheduled Iraqi elections, she will always remember January 3, 2005 as the day she first heard that Brad and Jen called it quits.
"I'll never forget the day I heard the news," she tearfully lamented. "I was in the middle of writing out a check for the victims of the jumanji [sic] and then I saw [news of the Pitt-Aniston split] on the TV and stopped dead in my tracks. Horrible. I still can't believe it – what a senseless waste, and all because Brad wants to have kids and Jen doesn't."
After discussing the details of the divorce, Reid made a plea to the world to come together in support of the victims of the most horrific publicity disaster since the Liz Taylor-Richard Burton divorce.