Thomas Kinkade Announces Ownership Of Christmas
Thomas Kinkade, the "Painter of Light" that is described by millions the world over as "some kind of an artist or somethin'", has announced his full takeover of the holiday Christmas following astronomical sales of his paintings across the world.
"All of you sheep have bought into my generic, uninspired crap for years," he announced at an enormous ceremony from Madison Square Garden with an estimated four million in attendance with another 100 million watching on television. "Consequently, you have made it possible for me to complete my goal of complete assimilation into Christmas. Now, the holiday is mine, with the exception of a small percentage split between Hallmark and Coca Cola."
Kinkade, best known for painting a house in the woods and then copying the picture thousands of times over with slightly different weather conditions and lighting, is indeed America's "most collected living artist", according to his official website, incorrectly leading millions of people the world over to believe they have actual pieces of art in their homes.
"I don't like that scary stuff by people like Salvador Dali," worried Jan Pultzer, an Arkansas housewife, clutching her 9,000 postcard-sized Kinkade prints to her chest in fear. "Everything's all weird and gross. What ever happened to a nice old painting of a cabin in the woods, or a cabin in the woods with some snow on the roof? Now those are paintings I can relate to."
"Who needs 'Starry Night' when Thomas Kinkade can paint stars that don't look like weirdo swirls?" rhetorically asked an exceedingly effeminate man from Alabama. "He's clearly the superior painter here."
Others are drawn to what they believe are feelings of "faith, peace, and togetherness" that they say "radiate" from Kinkade's paintings, which he recently revealed are produced at a speed of over 400 a day using "Photoshop, some Quaaludes, and my tongue flopping around on the keyboard."
"When I see the light beaming around the woods in Thom's paintings, I just feel like Jesus is right there with me for some reason," said Elizabeth Croltzky, a devout Kinkade devotee from Tennessee. "Whenever I start to think about the craziness of the government or the Middle Eastern world, I just gaze at a Thomas Kinkade painting until I forget all about my troubles."
"Thomas Kinkade has a beard, and so did Jesus," Croltzky's neighbor, who refused to be identified due to what she cited as "demons in the Internet", added. "I don't think that's a coincidence."
According to Kinkade, this is exactly the attitude he hoped to foster through his paintings, and is exactly what he needed in order to achieve the Christmas ownership he now enjoys.
"In this mad, mad world, people have come to rely on my paintings for love and support," he said. "And now look at me. I own an entire holiday!"
However, Kinkade has no immediate plans to drastically change Christmas, other than to expand his line of licensed merchandise, which already includes his paintings plastered on cookie tins, tissue boxes, condoms, and -- soon -- human beings.
"There are some parents who would like to have a KinkadeBaby, a child who they can look at to inspire them no matter what the circumstances," he revealed. "And I have my 'elves' -- by which I mean immigrants who work for shiny buttons -- working on that right now. I believe women will be giving birth to babies with Kinkade paintings imprinted on their faces as soon as next year."
Besides this, the painter said, Christmas needs little alteration.
"Hell, I'm already as ubiquitous as Santa Claus -- who, by the way, is outlawed now," Kinkade said. "I don't think there's much more I can do to spread my message of peace and light beams hitting houses in the woods."
When asked if he had any plans to continue creating new paintings even with his new status, Kinkade gave a knowing laugh.
"Oh my, no," he said. "I haven't made a new painting for over ten years, and I don't intend to start now."