Uncreative Woman Believes Creativity-Lauding Slogans Justify Messy House
Using both store-bought and hand-made doormats, crotchet wallhangings, and cards in picture frames instead of family members, 57 year-old housewife Stella Reinhold says she has "completely absolved" herself of any responsibility for the admittedly "poopy messy" state her house is constantly in.
Slogans such as "Clean Houses Are For Boring People", "Be Original -- Be Messy!" and "Bless This Mess", says Reinhold, enable her to qualify for a rare loophole that absolves her of any need to clean her house, despite being home all day.
"Most of us left-brainers just aren't meant to clean, and God knows it, I'm one of them," she said proudly, sitting on top of one of several mini compost heaps festooning the home. "There's nothing at all wrong with a messy house, provided you've got the creativity and slogans to back yourself up."
As such, when friends, relatives, or people from the health department come to visit, Reinhold preemptively heads off any comments or thoughts about Banana Peel Mountain or The Sea Of Broken Lightbulbs by explaining to guests that she "just doesn't do house cleaning".
"They say cleanliness is next to godliness, but Jesus had crumbs in his beard!" she laughed as one of several cats urinated on a pile of feces in Animal Waste Hallway. "I made that one up myself!"
Even if Reinhold was "born to clean", she likely wouldn't have time to throughout her day, which she says is filled with outbursts of work and creativity alike.
"Well, the kids are grown up now, of course, but there's always the cats to tend to," she said. "And of course, I'm always busy with all my little projects." She then gestured to a nearby plaque which read "Creative People Are Just Messy, Darn It!"
However, those close to Reinhold question the validity behind some of her slogans.
"I don't know if Stella actually creates all that much," said Rita Jones, a friend, cautiously, "unless she was using 'create' in the sense that she watches The Price Is Right and sleeps a lot."
"In all fairness," Jones added hastily, "she did show me a macaroni picture of Jesus once that had some promise. I'm not sure who in this day and age would be interested in that kind of thing, though."
Another friend was much more blunt in her assessment.
"Stella is a fairly boring person to talk to," she said. "Using her logic, her house should really be spotless right now. Instead, I'm pretty sure I saw Axl Rose in there the other day."
Even worse, said Jones, is the fact that Reinhold believes that things like her pile of dirty laundry that occasionally sings "Welcome To The Jungle" are even more justifiable because she admits to their filth.
"She's always pointing to this poster of Oscar the Grouch she has, with a bubble coming out of his mouth that says 'This place is clean compared to my trash can!' whenever I try to hint that she's a slob, not some kind of deep-thinking artist," Jones complained. "Most people probably wouldn't have forgiven Hitler if he would've agreed that what he was doing was wrong."
"I would've, though," she added. "But then again, I'm a white supremacist."
But what does Reinhold's family think of her attitude? 22 year-old son Jeffery says the artistic streak simply runs in the family.
"People try and...try and tell me I drink too much," he slurred, urinating on the cat, which was in turn urinating on Axl Rose, who was in turn urinating on himself. "Well shit. I'm a god damned artist. Of course I'm going to...you know...take a little nap every now."
He then told our reporter, "You drink too much, fascist."
Reinhold's husband, Stan, had little to say.
"I probably should go to work now," he said.
"You were just there, remember, honey?" Reinhold said from her position on the couch. "It's five o'clock!"
"Yeah, but they're...on metric time," he muttered, rushing out the door.