VH1 Builds Time Machine, Will Produce 'I Love The...' Specials From Future
Despite having recommitted to more music-oriented programming at the beginning of the month, music/pop culture slut television station VH1 executives announced today that they are abandoning this refocus on music already in favor of more of the station's "I Love The..." specials, in which the worst possible events of a particular year or decade are put on air and commented on by c-list celebrities.
However, since VH1 has already mined all of the previous decades, years, and days that its demographics will remember, including the infamous "I Love The 2000's: March 29th, 2005" episode, the television will use a time machine to go to the future, obtain future events in pop culture, then run specials about them in a process Christina Norman, the network's president, calls "reverse nostalgiaification".
"People like seeing irritating people comment on things they just experienced, but we're betting that they'll love seeing those same people comment on things that they will someday experience, unless they die," Norman said. "And believe me: VH1 doesn't want people to die, unless it is in a spectacular manner that can be discussed while we play a clip of P.O.D.'s 'Alive' in the background."
The time machine will be powered by the abundant hot, gaseous air that is constantly exuded by VH1 personality Kathy Griffin, and will provide the network to provide "I Love The..." specials almost indefinitely, stopped only by the inevitable explosion of Milky Way galaxy's sun.
"I've seen an advance version of the 'I Love The 5,000,000,000's' episode where the sun explodes, and trust me: you don't want to miss that one!" Norman exclaimed. "Future pop star Gnorg Moxlor is burned to a crisp...but not before we see how fat she's gotten! Girl, you shouldn't have married Ignarf The Squidman!"
Other future events that audiences will soon be fondly remembering include the release of a new Paris Hilton sex tape in the name of fighting North Korea; the release of the delicious "Mars Critters" breakfast cereal and subsequent commentary "That cereal had critters...Mars critters!" by Kathy Griffin; and a commentator too low on the celebrity totem pole to have a name holding up a box of cold medicine and announcing, "Haha, look at this box! This is old, but we all remember it! Isn't that funny?"
In addition to the new line of "I Love The..." specials, Norman said that the network will continue many of its other "tried-and-true" programs, including new episodes of "The Surreal Life" featuring Horshack, Richie Cunningham's father, and the resurrected body of Charlie Chaplin, the premiere of "Behind The Music: Eddie Murphy", and more hit movies -- both from the theaters and VH1 originals -- like "Kazaam" and "Lords Of Rock: The Ratt Story."
"Our compelling line-up of should-be-critically-acclaimed movies and shows demonstrating the awesomeness of pop culture will elevate us to the top of the music-video networks," Norman explained.
But why the sudden return to shows like these, especially only days after the network issued statements to the media touting the refocusing of music-oriented programming? VH1's desire to stay in business, says Norman, had something to do with it.
"We considered firing all of our accountants and going ahead with the music programming, but in the end, this solution seemed better," she said. "Plus, making shows about artists and stuff is hard. It's a lot easier to just get a bunch of people who were hanging out around our lobbies anyway to come up and talk about stuff that happened to them (or will happen to them)."
Reaction to the announcement seemed generally positive.
"I'm glad, since I was skeptical when VH1 started talking about doing music stuff," said one viewer. "I mean, we have MTV already -- how many more music networks do we really need?"
"Finding out all the top fads and celebrity gossip for the years after I'm dead and gone sounds awesome!" gushed another. "It's reassuring to know that as long as I watch enough VH1, I won't be missing anything after I die."