Search For America's Next Biggest Fucking Shitter Begins
The Fox network, fueled by the success of shows like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and Do Things On The Stage For Attention, has announced its latest talent search debuting this fall, entitled "America's Next Biggest Fucking Shitter".
The show will invite citizens of the United States to open their bowels and demonstrate certifiably that they can excrete more plentifully and forcefully than anyone else in the competition. It will also fill a crucial Fall hole in Fox's line up that does not currently have any talent-testing shows in it.
"There's no reason why only bigwig politicians and hotshot executives should be able to have their shit seen by the public eye," said a press release from the network, which was creatively written on a piece of toilet paper. "This competition will enable the average Joe or Jane to have their shit seen and heard by a captive national audience."
The show will follow the format established by American Idol, with a British man making wry jokes at the contestant's expense. Americans, explained network spokesman Sam Samuelson, dislike variety.
"We can slide in a new subject that's being measured -- singing ability, dancing skills, defecation -- but our focus grouping tests show that the format must remain the same," he said. "We suspect it's because many people are fooled into thinking that they are actually watching the same show, and even that they never actually turned the television off. We hope that this will eventually encourage some of them to follow through and really never turn it off, and believe they are watching our fine young contestants shit themselves all day long."
The winner, determined by voters buying a cell phone labeled with the desired contestant's name, will go on a nationwide shitting tour, visiting venues across the country to demonstrate their superior natural colon cleansing skills.
"You wouldn't think people would pay to see someone shit on a stage, but when you dress it up with some dancers and laser lights and such, I think people will really turn out for the winner's tour," said Samuelson.
The network is hoping to attract an even wider tryout base than shows like American Idol due to the fact that going to the bathroom is easier for many people than singing, dancing, or talking. However, Samuelson cautioned those who believe that getting into the finals will be a "shit in the park".
"I really had no idea how many big shitters were out there," he said. "It was truly amazing to see Americans from all walks of life brought out of the woodwork to demonstrate how shit-filled they can be. It seems like it doesn't matter whether you're a simple telemarketer or a high-powered car salesman -- either way, there's a good chance you can shit with the best of them."
Early reactions indicate that the show will be a hit.
"I like it because it promotes good family values," said one Arkansas resident. "I'd sure as heck rather have my boys watching people perform their God-given right of crapping themselves than some show with a woman and a man doing God-knows-what."
"This show sounds pretty shitty!" guffawed a Florida man when asked. "Not really, though! It sounds pretty good! I've just been waiting to say that joke to someone. Hey, do you think you can tell stand-up jokes while you shit? I should try out for an audition."
"My cat bit me," stated Sheila Gantz of Virginia.
Fox had reportedly considered a similar show based on vomiting, but ultimately considered it too redundant, as well as a possible plagiarism of other networks' ideas.