Star Jones' Head Shrinking Faster Than Rest Of Body
When formally-large woman Star Jones left the daytime talk show "The View" last month, billions of fans reacted: some cried real tears at both the departure and the state of their lives, while others, who forced themselves to watch for lack of anything better to do, secretly snickered that Jones' ass would no longer be present on the couch.
Despite claims that Jones herself was actually the one who decided it was time to get up and finally do something with herself, network executives today went on record (against contractual secrecy agreements) to detail the dismissal and announce the true reason behind her abrupt departure from the show: "Her head was shrinking faster than the rest of her body."
"Sure, we're probably a bunch of assholes for letting this one out," Viacom President Sumner Redstone admitted, "and it's going to cost us in court, but there it is. A shrinking head."
Apparently, the problem began when Jones was morbidly obese and "really pushing her weight around", according to co-workers.
"I just don't know what happened to her," throwaway co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck laments from a displaced armchair. "One day, she was fine. Annoying, but fine. And the next thing you know, it's like someone removed her actual skull so her head would start caving in. It makes me wonder if there really is such a thing as aliens."
Co-host and regular loudmouth Joy Behar relives a particularly painful episode with Jones.
"One time, she got into a bag of dried beer solids in the prop department. She devoured the entire contents in mere seconds, and then coughed up what looked to be a piece of chewed gum from 1948."
Some say that Jones, likened by many fans to "a fiendish swine with devilish cunning", seems to have fallen victim to an ancient Jivaro Indian head-shrinking curse.
According to the fateful legend, a head that becomes severely inflated due to extreme overconfidence will alert the gods, and ignite fury in their bellies. In order to satisfy the burning in their guts, a sacrifice must be made. Typically, as in the original legend, it's the person "with the most swelled and rotund head in all the land".
Most doctors dismiss the legend as pure myth, saying it's completely and utterly contrived in every aspect, and instead look to a much more concrete discipline, Scientology, to help patients.
"What causes this shrinkage is unknown, but likely has to do with taking medicine or something. In general, the life expectancy for those with skull-shrink, or 'pinheads' as they are medically called, is severely reduced, and the prognosis for normal sexual functioning is poor, as in the case of Ms. Jones," Dr. Tobviousa, chief of staff at L. Ron Hubbard's Celebrity Center in Los Angeles, commented.
"What will eventually happen is her head will continue to shrink until people begin referring to her as 'Beetlejuice,' and rightly so," he explained. "After her voice reaches a whistling octave, only canines will be able to hear or understand her."
Notorious for her dimwitted commentary and thinly-veiled insults toward her thinner co-hosts, Jones had spent much of her last season, season 2,345, withdrawing from conversation and staring down at her own body whenever it was her turn to speak with a guest.
"It willy youthed to pith me off," Barbara Walters gummed, confusing our interviewer.
According to Redstone, the search to replace Jones lasted mere minutes.
"She was a big girl, and we could have used two normal size people to fill her role, like say, a Shannon Doherty / Brandy duet, but we decided to keep our appeal to our female demographic and hire another obnoxious person, whom we were relatively certain would never lose weight even if her life depended on it. That's when we called Rosie O'Donnell."
Shannon Doherty reportedly turned down the initial offer of interest from CBS, on account of one of her eyes being ¼" higher than the other, thereby skewing her viewpoint.
Brandy, who has also been suspected of bearing the curse that afflicts Jones, was not available for comment.
"I have a law degree," Jones says in her own defense.