You Only Read This Article Because It Mentions Hot Lesbian Latina Sex
With the promise of incredibly hot, girl-on-girl action featuring gorgeous lesbian Latina women, satirical website and online gambling casino capital The Enduring Vision managed to attract record numbers of curious viewers from all over the Internet, including you.
"Lesbians? Sex? Sounds like a winning combination," you said with a grin, already at attention with one hand in your pants and the other resting firmly on top of a half-eaten microwave burrito. You plan on clicking the mouse with your nose or penis. "I predict this satire article will be sexilicious."
"The second I read 'lesbian latina sex', I knew I had to check it out," said Wilbert F. Huntingtonshire, an avid reader of comic books and a close friend of yours, who called you excitedly to ask if you had seen the link. You had. "I mean, I know the Internet has more porn on it that my old sailor uncle Seamus' tattooed back, but when it looked like a satire site might have porn on it, I just had to see."
"You never know," agreed 45-year old virgin and Internet pornography connoisseur Bill MacFitzbobson. "There could be a hot picture or something accompanying the article. That would be totally hot." His mother then angrily hit him with a newspaper. A soiled newspaper.
Indeed, the promise of something related to sex draws incredibly high volumes of anxious readers to such political satire websites as The Enduring Vision and The Hot Teen Porn Files. No one is yet sure what motivates satire lovers such as yourself to seek out potentially pornographic material, but one can guess.
"It's amazing," said owner and operator of The Enduring Vision, Josh Righter. "People see the word 'sex' and their minds go off. They begin to imagine their favorite satire writers engaged in unspeakable sexual acts. And really, who could blame them?"
The new Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has assured loyal members of the Religious Right-Wing Salvation Forces of JESUS (RRWSFJESUS) that the FBI will be cracking down hard on "obscene" materials. He also indicated that he would "hit hardest" those satire websites that use sexual headlines to draw readership.
"Not only is real pornography a threat to our children, but so is something that sounds pornographic but may not actually be," said the Attorney General. "We will arrest, detain and torture all offenders."
Popping his head in the door, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld happily said: "He doesn't mean torture, folks, he means 'the tropics'!"
Gonzales then had Rumsfeld arrested and anally violated by the legs of some big Ukrainian gentlemen. This secretly excited you, as you were relieved to read some sexual content in the article after being so tantalized by the headline, but you quickly looked at a nearby vaguely alluring JCPenny catalog to pretend it was that that did it.
The cause of such sex-frenzy satire grazing is still unidentified. Many experts believe that global warming and the destruction of the ozone layer may lead to crazy, "sexual orgies of sex" in the minds of satire readers when they encounter enticing words.
"Our research indicates that some words have a bigger effect than others," said Dr. Nathan Archë, a sexologist at the University of Edinburgh's Centre for the Study of Sex and Haggis. "For example, the phrase 'enormous woman pleasures hog' doesn't elicit nearly as much of an acute response in satire readers as 'hot teen lesbian sisters'."
He then clearly became hot and bothered. "Oh man," he muttered, "that hog…"
Further research indicates that you and people like you are drawn to controversy, too, with headlines like "George W. Bush Nazi Fucking Gay Intelligent Design" drawing obscene levels of viewership. "Nearly as obscene as lesbian Latina sex acts?" you wondered eagerly to yourself. The answer is no.
Such studies lend credence to rumors that along with you, many other people reading this article right now clicked on it in hopes of seeing some steamy hot lesbian Latina sex. Many of whom, disappointed by the lack of steamy hot lesbian Latina sex, did not bother to finish reading the article.
"Unfortunately," said the authors of this article, "if you did finish [reading], we're sorry. You've been had."