Members Of Faith No More Tribute Band Surprised Band Hasn't Helped Them Get Laid

Pictured: an Epic PR shot.

Keyboardist Sam Borchard recently expressed confusion and consternation over not being laid as a direct result of being in Epic, a tribute to seminal 90s band Faith No More (FNM). Though a number of fans have congratulated the band on accurately representing the sound and appearance of the LA-quintet, band members report that no women have slept with them for the same reason.

Borchard, a life-long fan of the obscure-yet-influential LA quintet, is happy to play his favorite FNM songs with the band, but the paucity of groupies and adoration is, Borchard observes, a problem he thought would be resolved, not compounded, by joining the outfit.

"Just like the original band itself, it looks like we're not getting our due," said Borchard, who has spent countless hours transcribing the keyboard charts of former-FNM keyboardist Roddy Bottum, almost completely for naught. "It's always fun to bring back sub-culture favorites like 'King For A Day', or 'Anne's Song' that no one has heard for years, but I expected that some hot young hipster -- or even a hot single mom -- whose favorite song growing up was 'Epic' would just be all over us."

'Epic', Borchard clarified, was that one song that everyone knows with the fish and exploding piano at the end of the video.

"You know, the song that goes 'What! Is! It?!' You know that one, right? " added Borchard.

Other members of the band share in Borchard's confusion and frustration.

"It's not like we planned on getting famous as a result of being in this band, but there should at least be some random chick in the audience who thinks that Angel Dust is the best album of all time," lamented lead Singer Dale Solara. "So far, the most audience interaction we had was a bunch of dudes wanting to kick our asses so their friends' System Of A Down cover band could get started."

"[FNM lead singer] Mike Patton isn't even in that band," he said with disgust.

Said guitarist Jake Goldberg: "I'm realizing now that expecting tail from this outfit is like one or two notches more pathetic than going to a Frank Zappa show to pick up chicks. Really, what kind of girls get turned on by a song called 'Zombie Eaters'? I guess that would be cool in one way, but I'd be a little wary of what kind of other freaky shit she's into. I wish I'd thought of that before I joined the band.

The rest of the band members agree: optimism over the quintet's eventual success and possibility of a back-stage hookup is beginning to lag. Nevertheless, the band believes that evenings spent alone aside, bringing the music of Faith No More to the masses of underground fans ("All two of them," said bassist Luc Belligroso) is its own reward.

"It's a joy to present the music of one of the most forgotten and important bands of the 90s, even if it means prolonging my dry stretch by another four years," continued Belligroso. "We'll have a FNM renaissance on our hands when enough people come to the show and hear 'Midlife Crisis' and 'We Care A Lot' for the first time since high school."

"And maybe turn on some sex kitten who's into Mike Patton, graphic novels and Hunter S. Thompson," he added.

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