New American Idol Promises To Cut Deficits, Balance Budget
In one of the hottest-contested elections in American history, Arkansas leader Kris Allen defeated Adam Lambert to become the nation's 44th American Idol.
Over 100 million votes were cast, and with the majority going to support Allen's bid for the Idolcy, he managed to edge out both Lambert and Idol surprise John McCain (R-AZ). McCain, whose heartfelt performance of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" wowed audiences, wept profusely as the results were announced.
Allen acknowledged his opponents, saying that he "could not believe" he had won the election, and promised to "bring reform to America" with his stewardship of the Idolcy.
"My fellow Americans," said Allen while onstage at the Idol finale, a swarm of prepubescent girls screaming inanity at him, "it is time we took our national debt seriously. It is time we addressed our weakened armed forces. We have to balance the budget and correct the infrastructural problems that plague our great nation. We can accomplish all of these things through song."
However, Allen's victory over Lambert -- whom most Americans believed would win the election in a landslide -- sent shockwaves through the Internet, which is a large, electronic cesspool of democracy.
"Adam was robbed!!!" Stefanie Lee posted on CNN's American Idol blog after the finale, with multiple exclamation points to make her voice heard even better.
"This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the public is incapable of voting for anyone based on anything objectively," Vincent Petrosino wrote. "It's never about the issues, it's always about charisma."
Immediately, angry Lambert fans suggested the possibility that religious fans had galvanized to support Allen due to Lambert's flamboyant, homosexual persona, which may have led religious America to reject him as Satanic.
However, Allen's supporters hailed his victory as a "triumph for the American family," and cited his prior missionary work as evidence that he is ready to lead the country through its financial crisis.
"Kris used to help poor people," wrote user kimi2009 on the MSNBC politics blog. "And if multinational conglomerates continue 2 [sic] support risky investments in securities backed by volatile assets, he'll obviously be able 2 [sic] ascertain the impending product bubble and close it b4 [sic] it happens."
But does the American Idol election really make a difference in determining the nation's course of action? Experts are divided.
"People really take it seriously, but at the end of the day, it's pretty much the same bozo singing the same songs," said Elayne Rapping, a professor of American Studies and pop-culture expert at the University of Buffalo. "Just look at Kris and Adam. You can tell they're practically the same person. The competition would only really get shaken up if we all banded together to vote for a fringe contestant, like that guy who had two personalities, or [Texas Congressman] Ron Paul."
"You can tell how important this contest is due to the high-energy emotions democratically expressed by individuals on the Internet," countered Rlayne Eapping, a professor of American Studies and pop-culture expert at the University of Albany. "The internet only spends its energy focusing on what really matters."