Hollywood Vows To Honor John Hughes' Death With Shitty Remakes Of His Movies
John Hughes, the acclaimed director behind '80s films National Lampoon's Vacation and its popular pornographic sequel National Harpoon's Vagcation, died today at the age of 59, immediately causing Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)" to began playing out of the sky.
Plans are already being made to pay respect to the legendary director, including a solemn promise by many in Hollywood to produce terrible remakes of his movies.
"That man was a visionary -- almost as much of one as I am," sobbed director Michael Bay. "I can think of no greater tribute to his memory than to give the world my re-imagined version of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, with all the computer-generated explosions it deserves."
Bay added that the part of Cameron will be played by a jive-talking African-American robot in his version, titled Ferris: Rooney's Revenge, which will also contain a few other "minor alterations".
In an early draft of Bay's script, Ferris' nemesis RooneyBot menacingly waves his Principal Plasma Cannon at the titular hero, as his girlfriend Sloane squeezes her breasts together in fear.
"I am the principal, but I am not your pal," RooneyBot snarls, as Ferris worriedly quips to the camera, "If I'm gonna get busted, it is not gonna be by a 300 foot tall robot from another planet who came to Earth to enslave humanity."
Jerry Bruckheimer, who has produced over 900 movies with homosexual undertones, says he plans on adding the same ambiguously gay magic to his upcoming remake of Home Alone.
"In my version, the two burglars are friendly rivals, living it up in New York City as they come to appreciate what they really mean to each other," he explained. "Then, September 11th happens."
Although Hughes' movies were beloved in their day, Bruckheimer says, the world now sees them as "classic -- in other words, dated and boring, and in need of updating" to more modern sensibilities.
"For example, Sixteen Candles is thought of as an emotional, realistic portrayal of teenage trials and tribulations, but how can it do that when nobody has a cell phone, or even an email account to send each other hilarious raunchy pictures?" he asked. "Fortunately, my remake of Tim Burton's upcoming remake will address these issues."
Reactions to the announced remakes were mixed, despite projections that each one will clear $100 million at the box office, spawning three sequels followed by a franchise reboot.
"Ugggggghhh. This is, bar none, the worst news I have ever read in my entire life," read one comment on an Internet messageboard. "If Hollywood thinks they can get me to once again see their rehashed crap, they are absolutely correct. But I will only be doing so to register my multitude of complaints about the films on the Internet."
"Remakes sound good to me," countered another messageboard poster. "I bet they'll have cool music that I like. It'll be like, 'Brrrnnn, brrnn brnn brnn,' and there'll be cars exploding."
In subsequent polling conducted 10 minutes after his death, 65% of the population stated they no longer had any idea who John Hughes was.