Hospital: Injured Aging Rock Star Can't Be Put Back Together Again, Will Remain 'In Multiple Pieces'
A South Dakota hospital recently announced that though it had received the pieces of 61 year-old rocker Steven Tyler after he fell from a stage last week, hospital staff had "no immediate plans" to put the singer back together.
Tyler suffered what scientists call "limbs and head falling off" after he fell from a small stage while attempting to make the crowd giggle and cheer with his strange, stumbling antics.
"Mr. Tyler's condition has been likened to that of Humpty Dumpty, a type of egg-man from centuries ago," said Dr. William Bakerton, a staff surgeon at the hospital. "In this case, the patient is a very old, fragile Humpty Dumpty, who should not have been up on that wall, and is living a lifestyle that normal older humanoid eggs cannot handle."
The injuries forced Tyler's band, Aerosmith, to stop their tour and postpone several shows that most certainly would have rocked. Mystery and confusion has surrounded the singer's condition since the fall, with some newspapers initially claiming Tyler had actually died at his rented Los Angeles mansion, either of a Propofol overdose or by choking on the testicles of several young boys.
"Did you hear how Michael Jackson [Steven Tyler] died?" asked one man at a bar. "Food poisoning: he choked on 12 year old nuts." The man was later approached by 20th Century Fox to write movie scripts for seven comedies.
According to official hospital documents, obtained by this newspaper in violation of multiple laws, Tyler was diagnosed with a rare condition called Mr. Glass Syndrome, named for the Samuel L. Jackson character in the blockbuster movie, Unbreakable.
The condition leaves the hospital with an uncomfortable choice: leave Tyler in pieces, which would herald the end of the iconic band Aerosmith, or put him back together. In doing so, however, the hospital said it would put normal, everyday citizens at risk.
"Imagine what happens when a shrapnel grenade goes off," explained Dr. Bakerton. "Fragments of metal and dangerous material fly in all directions. This is what we're looking at during a potential future Steven Tyler fall. Given this reality, I'm afraid we need to keep him in pieces."
Though no innocent bystanders were injured in the original fall from the stage, Dr. Bakerton stated that it was only "a matter of time" before Aerosmith's "hard rocking lifestyle" left people dead.
"This [fall] was only from a few feet," continued Bakerton. "Imagine what would happen if these guys were hopped up on marijuana doobees, bungee-jumping into crowds? It's horrifying."
A spokesman for the band, the unnamed guy who plays guitar in Aerosmith said that while he wasn't entirely sure what was going on -- with Tyler or most things in general -- he did acknowledge that something had happened, and that he did not know what it was.
"They're still running tests. MRIs, everything. X-rays. SATs. I really don't know what's going on," said the guitarist -- -- no, not Joe Perry...the other guy -- in an interview with Detroit's 101 WRIF. "If they can't put him back together, though, all we really need are his lips."
Whatever the outcome, Dr. Bakerton says the fall highlights a growing danger with many vintage rock acts still performing today: the possibility that the aging band members could hurt themselves and others, either through physical mishaps or by becoming "frightened and confused."
"For example, I saw a Cream reunion on TV yesterday, and nearly had a heart attack when I saw the skeleton-like creature that was playing drums for the band," Bakerton said. "Worst of all, I was shocked that nobody in the audience had the sense to run on stage and help the poor man."
Instead, he said, audience members all seemed to somehow enjoy the performance.