Area Man Just Won't Stop Talking About The Holocaust

Pictured: until recently, Rimmer didn't realize movies like The Pianist were based on real events.

According to a number of reports from local media, George Rinner, an assistant manager at a Pittsburgh coffee shop, will "not shut up" about the large amount of hate crimes committed against Jews over 60 years ago.

Area residents say Rinner began talking about the historical -- yet horribly depressing -- event several days ago, and since then has been using every chance he can to bring it up.

"If you think about it, six million is a lot of people to have died," he said while making a latte for a customer. "It's just unbelievable. That Holocaust is really something else."

The customer, who refused to give her name, left the shop without her coffee.

Bill Elliot, a long-time customer and friend of Rinner's, says he has repeatedly tried to divert his friend's attention from the topic multiple times, but was rejected under the pretense of the Holocaust's existence.

"I'd say, 'Hey George, want to go to the game tonight?' and he'd reply, 'Can't, the Holocaust happened,'" said Elliot. "Imagine what this is doing to our friendship. It's like the Nazis keep on winning."

In addition to his friends and patrons of his shop, Rinner's incessant talk about the famous genocide has begun to seriously upset his coworkers as well.

"Trying to steam milk while he is blabbing on and on about mass murder is a little tough," said employee Deborah Jay. "I mean, sure, we've all talked about it before, but it's like George has just heard of it. To most of us, the Holocaust is just old news."

In fact, Rinner claims he was "completely unaware" of the Holocaust's existence until just recently, when he saw the movie The Boy in the Striped Pajamas and suddenly realized that the story unfolding in front of him may have been inspired by true events.

"Spoiler alert: the Nazis used diabolical devices called 'gas chambers', which may have been fueled by some kind of alien technology," said Rinner. "But the whole thing really hit home for me that maybe all of that Holocaust stuff wasn't just Hollywood movie magic. Maybe some of it actually happened."

Most people agree that the Holocaust did, in fact, happen, although some scholars -- such as the Ku Klux Klan's David Duke and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -- claim that it might be entirely fabricated, with purported survivors making up elaborate stories and numbered arm tattoos, in the words of Ahmadinejad, "just to fuck with us".

Rinner, however, is now "80% sure" of the Holocaust's reality, and says that those who are unconvinced should watch more movies.

"Plus, I verified it on Wikipedia," he said. "The story checks out. There really is such a thing as Jews."

Although the event has weighed heavily on his mind these past several days, Rinner reports feeling relieved that in the end, everything turned out okay.

"Another spoiler: the Nazis were eventually defeated, and now the Jews have their very own place to live, where Holocausting is illegal," he explained. "With Hitler defeated, they now no longer face any conflict. The end."

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