Kanye West Dies In Ballooning Publicity Stunt Gone Wrong
Kanye West, a rapper known for yelling at people, died yesterday after falling out of his homemade air balloon while soaring over Los Angeles in what authorities say was an attempt to make people like him. He was 14 years old.
Witnesses say West was floating somewhere above downtown Los Angeles when he spotted a little girl buying some balloons from a street vendor. Believing the girl intended to steal his thunder, West attempted to go yell at her, forgetting that he was hundreds of feet in the air.
He plummeted to the Earth's surface and died instantly.
Police say West's recent embarrassment at MTV's Video Music Awards, where he graphically raped Taylor Swift on live television as the stunned studio audience watched in terror, spurred the creation of a homemade "forgiveness balloon".
"We believe Mr. West intended to regain positive public sentiment by delighting Los Angeles with some high-flying rapping, using a crude balloon made out of garbage bags that vaguely resembled his face," said a representative from the Los Angeles Police Department.
Manfred Palmer, one of West's publicists, claims the rapper was also angling for a reality show in which he would journey all around the world in his homemade balloon to help people.
"Some people forget that Kanye was one of the most intelligent and socially-conscious people of our time," sobbed Palmer. "He had big plans for his balloon show. He would always say to me, 'Manny, if I had my balloon show when Katrina hit, New Orleans would've been okay.'"
West also planned for at least one episode where he would float to meetings of world leaders, and then interrupt them in order to lay down the truth about things.
Still, media analysts believe that now, West will be remembered not for a TV show that never was, or even his rap music, but for his balloon stunt.
"Kanye's balloon has really captured our hearts and minds," said one blogger enthusiastically. "I can't wait to see what that guy is going to come up with next to get our attention!"
Others decried the attention paid to West, using it as a platform to indict modern journalism -- or the lack thereof -- as a whole.
Dr. Thad Jones, a sociologist at Brown University, complained that "we are entering a frightening time in which irrelevant entertainment 'news' is given far too much attention. We didn't have this kind of thing in the 70s. Except for maybe [daredevil biker] Evel Knievel. But that was important social commentary!"
It remains unclear whether or not Kanye West will return from the grave to rap again, as previous once-dead rappers Notorious BIG and Tupac Shakur did. However, if he waits too long, he may have to contend with much more advanced attention-grabbing tactics, says Dr. Jones.
"Now that we've all seen someone floating around in a homemade balloon, it's going to take a lot more to impress us in the future," he said.