Americans Shocked To Remember That Gay Singer Adam Lambert Is Gay

Pictured: an extremely disturbing gay kiss (censored).

Adam Lambert, the practical winner of 2009's American Idol competition, put on an innuendo-filled performance at the American Music Awards -- including kissing his male keyboard player and quickly playing a Devo solo on the keyboard -- that many complained was "totally gay".

Lambert is, in fact, an openly gay man, a fact that outraged Americans say they had forgotten about until the homoerotic awards show.

"When I saw Adam kissing that man, I became furious," charged Pennsylvania resident Terry Jones, who claims he was only watching the American Music Awards because he believes Taylor Swift is hot. "I do recall a gay person winning American Idol, but I guess I had always assumed that I would never have to hear about or see them doing things that were actually gay."

Jones' wife, Terry, chimed in, "Yeah, it's like, you read about something like that in People [magazine] or on the internet, but as time goes by without Adam having public sex with another man, you begin to forget about it."

Jones added that she believed Lambert had "decided to give up this whole 'gay' thing when he became famous. Now I know I'm most likely wrong."

"I thought all winners and contestants on American Idol were gay," said Jones' neighbor, Phil Martin.

Martin went on to explain that although it's "arguably" okay to be gay, "acting gay on TV" as Lambert did is completely beyond the pale, "because it makes it difficult for people to forget his gayness."

"We don't want to change the channel, we don't want to make our kids leave...we just want to watch a regular guy perform some honest glam rock, and not have him do things that bring back those painful gay memories," he said.

Lambert has said that he believes people who are upset about his gay kiss are practicing discrimination, arguing that a non-gay kiss would not be controversial. He did not say anything about another portion of his performance in which a dancer thrust his face into Lambert's crotch, tacitly acknowledging that this is a terrible thing to watch no matter who is gay.

However, polls reveal that some 38% of those who were offended by Lambert's kiss would also be offended by a heterosexual kiss, claiming that kissing is a frightening thing that should never be viewed by children.

Still, 62% say they would be okay with a heterosexual kiss, lending credence to Lambert's point. One man went out of his way to emphasize that even full intercourse would be acceptable, as long as Taylor Swift was somehow involved.

With all the controversy, those who support what Lambert did may be wondering if such gay actions will ever be acceptable to broadcast in primetime. But critics say that the question will soon become irrelevant as gay people slowly go extinct.

"Think about it: they can't have kids, so how will they pass on their gay genes?" Phil Martin said. "For once, science is on my side."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: