Tiger Woods: 'My Family Encouraged Me To Be An Adulterer And They Are Thrilled'
Tiger Woods, a man who is extremely good at the game of golf, posted a statement to his website Wednesday happily announcing the details of at least one extramarital affair.
After the normally-private sports celebrity got into a minor car accident -- something that only happens to adulterers -- he was forced to come clean about the affair. In his statement, Woods says that he is glad to have enjoyed the company of "so many nice women", and that his family is proud and happy with him.
"Personal sins should not require press conferences, but even if they did, I'm happy to report that I haven't done anything wrong," said Woods' statement. "The only thing going on here is me carrying out my family's wishes: that I take full advantage of my fame to have sexual relations outside of my marriage."
Woods also encouraged readers to stay tuned to his official website for the forthcoming release of "no less than six sex tapes" of him and his mistresses.
"It's going to be the bomb, ya'll!" the statement concluded. "Tiger out!"
As a result of Woods' announcement, most Americans now say they don't care anymore.
"His wife was cool with it?" said one disappointed Arkansas man. "Huh. That's good, I guess. Whatever. Let me know if he killed a guy or something."
Disappointed that a hot story experienced such quick deflation, the media at large has progressed to what some are calling desperate measures to keep the item newsworthy, including an expose from Fox News called "Tiger Woods: A Tee Off To Madness."
"Breaking news now as we re-read Tiger Woods' Wikipedia page and remember that he is half black, half Asian!" shouted Fox News personality Sean Hannity. "Is anyone still as shocked by this as I am?"
Although the golfer's explanation has satisfied the country at large, Woods' fans continue to leave messages on his website, which he is known to religiously listen to and take to heart.
"If a man cant get fed at home he will go out to eat, even though it might cost him for the dinner. Has anyone stopped to think if [Woods' wife] Elin has been cooking. Clearly this woman doesn't know what her man needs," user gofx said, helpfully pointing out that often, wives force men to cheat by not having sex with them often enough.
Predictably, marital experts agreed with the internet poster's assessment, speculating that Mrs. Woods, aware that her husband's sexual needs were beyond her capacities, asked him to cheat on her repeatedly in order to save their marriage.
"Let's face it: this guy's name is Tiger," said Dr. Dan Simmons, a sexual psychologist. "He's obviously going to need a lot of sex, and if his wife can't step up, she's got to step aside. She did the right thing by allowing him to have these affairs, although time will tell if she ultimately decides to be a bitch about this or not."
Despite the permission of his wife, Woods may still lose some of his lucrative endorsement deals over the affair, forcing Americans to base their purchasing decisions on what they guess Woods would have recommended to them.