'Coke With Booze' To Be Test-Marketed
Soft-drink giant Coca-Cola announced today that their newest product, "Coke With Booze", will be test-marketed in select areas of the United States this month.
In a press conference, Jonathan Mest, North American Public Relations Director for the company, explained the benefits of the new product.
"'Coke With Booze' represents the latest in our long line of satisfying Coke beverages," Mest said. "It's true that we released the successful 'Coke With Lemon' not long ago, and it's no secret that this newest product is a cousin of that. But there is one key difference that will be obvious to even the most common consumer: Coke With Booze has an entirely different taste than Coke With Lemon, thanks to a new secret ingredient."
When asked what the new ingredient was, Mest responded proudly, "It's booze."
According to Mest, Coke With Booze will outsell the already-popular Coke With Lemon line easily, due to its "high alcoholic content".
"Any soft drink manufacturer with half a brain will tell you that we've always wanted to load soda with alcohol," Mest explained. "It would be a guaranteed success, which is why we're so confident about Coke With Booze."
The problem, said Mest, was that previous decades proved to be "less than ideal" for the introduction of alcoholic soft drinks.
"People were generally more conservative before, and even those interested in buying soda with booze would've been thwarted by government regulations and rules. Luckily, with the arrival of the new millennium, we've witnessed an unparalleled social and political acceptance of anything and everything. Nowadays, it's okay to be a drug addict, or an alcoholic, or a pregnant teenager, or a homosexual. Now is the time for Coke With Booze."
Boasting an alcohol level of over 120 proof, one can of Coke With Booze "tastes great and causes almost instantaneous drunken stupor," said Mest.
"Who needs to worry about scary things like bioterrorism, Enron, and the Kyoto Protocol?" asked Mest, popping open a can of Coke With Booze and slugging it down. "Just have a can of Coke With Booze, indulge in its classic taste, and lapse into unconsciousness."
Because it's a soda, Coke With Booze will be allowed to appear on supermarket shelves all over the country, not just in alcoholic beverage distributors. It will also be allowed to be sold to minors, and will in fact have an advertising campaign catered directly to children, featuring a "lovable dog" named "Barry The Boozehound."
"The kids'll love it," slurred Mest, leaning on the podium. "And I don't care what anyone says."
When asked how the public will react to children legally being able to purchase an alcoholic beverage for the first time in the United States, Mest appeared annoyed.
"What am I, a frickin' scientist?" he growled. "You can't tell me what to do."