Employee Pins Hopes Of Patched Relations With Coworkers On Box Of Donuts
Randall Boughton, licensed attorney at Sills and Schultz Law Offices, purchased a box of one dozen donuts Friday morning in an attempt to win back the hearts of employees whom he has neglected over the years by spending too much time at his home with his wife, say reports from the office.
Boughton, 35, father of three, has, according to his boss and co-workers, been neglectful of the very business that provides him and his family with a paycheck and health care coverage.
"Randall is a good man at heart," said boss Jeremy Sills, "but that goddamn son of a bitch never shows his face when we need him most. I mean, when those football players were accused of molesting that freshman girl, we ran to their defense, but where was Randall? Watching his ten year-old daughter's soccer game, that's where. Bastard."
Despite excruciatingly long hours and high expectations for employees, Sills and Schultz claim they maintain a comfortable setting for their employees and that they give them enough personal freedom to spend with their families -- enough to "watch their sons and daughters get born, celebrate the occasional birthday and remember wedding anniversaries," according to Sills. This, presumably, has not been enough for the "greedy Boughton", who admitted to his absences.
"Okay, it's true, I haven't been there for them -- the firm, that is," said the family man with shame. "But I thought that maybe if I got into the office early and put a big, heaping box of donuts from anyplace just a little better than Dunkin' Donuts that I would be able to buy my way back into the good graces of the firm."
As he ate the last donut and sipped coffee that had been on the burner since the day before, Boughton let out a large sigh and said, "I guess that material possessions and deep-fried dough aren't enough now. People want you to be there, not just in spirit but in person for when the big moments happen. Moments like that scandal between the Dean [of Northwestern University] and that sorority, the embezzling of money from the student fund and the payoff scandal between the mayor's office and that ring of high-priced hookers. All I've got are photographs of the evidence and police reports to serve as memories for the times I missed."
Some co-workers, however, admit that the donuts did make them feel just a little bit better about Boughton missing out on the last court date to take his mother to the hospital.
"Mmmmmm, they were so good. Where did he get them?" asked Betsy Hammond, legal secretary at the firm. "What, you mean there aren't any in the kitchen today? But damn it, I want a donut! I thought he was going to be doing this more often! If he's going to be out carousing with his loved ones, he'd better at least be putting food on the office lunch table! Fucker!"
The future of Boughton in the firm remains uncertain. Though he claims his home life is exceptional, he remains wary of the tension between himself and the other members of the firm, many of whom have experienced execrable divorces, painful ulcers, and prodigal smoking habits.
"I'm just one of those family-holics, as the shrinks say," he said dejectedly. "Sure, I don't have pounding stress headaches every day and a growing addiction to caffeine. But does that make me a worse person than my coworkers? Just because I am one of the odd people in this world who doesn't have a terrible family life?"
"Hey, that's what it takes -- sacrifice," said Sills in response. "And no box of donuts is going to replace the lost times we could have had suing the shit out of some poor bastard. Nice try, asshole, but we need attention."
Boughton's wife and children all hold Randall in high favor, though they have expressed concern that his work-life is soon going to affect the time he spends with them.
"How long can he be going to school plays, taking the kids to the park and making me breakfast in bed?" asked Boughton's wife Emily. "Sure, he's a very dedicated man, but he's got to make sure that the other blood-sucking lawyers at the firm aren't feeling neglected."
Smiling and giggling, she went on to say, "Still, it was nice having him come home last night without being so exhausted from unending work and stress so that we could, you know, do a little of that 'adult' thing."
"Oh, so that's where he was last night!" fumed Sills when hearing this. "I even waited up until 11 with these papers, hot off the copier. Not that they'll do any good now!"
He then burst into tears and ran off to phone his mother and angrily ask her why she didn't warn him about jerks like this.