New Disney Ride For Elderly Not Off To Good Start
In what rival theme parks are calling a "disgusting, failed attempt" to include every single human being on earth in its magical wonderland, Disneyland has temporarily shut down the newest addition to its collection of thrill-rides: a rollercoaster designed to attract the elderly and decrepit alike.
Hundreds of old people filed a class-action lawsuit Monday, citing the popular theme park's flagrant disregard for their lapsing mental conditions, after a cadre of thrill-seeking senior citizens each paid the $139 reduced-admission fee and only got to wet their pants in return.
"Gross," one onlooker stopped to comment.
The ride was a prelude to the grand opening of Disneyland's newest undertaking: Geriatric Park. Anyone over the age of 55 could gain entry to the newest section of the Magical Kingdom. Old-timers everywhere could stroll down Mickey's Memory Lane, and stop in at old-fashioned mom & pop diners where they could still purchase coffee, toast and jam for a nickel. They could even save the jelly jars for future re-bottling of homemade sweets that nobody really wants.
Another attraction, Snow White-Hair, would allow them to trudge up hills covered with 6-feet of manmade snow, without shoes. If they made it to the dilapidated wooden schoolhouse at the top, they could have their picture taken with Minnie Mouse dressed as a spinster schoolmarm.
The ailing ancients would also be provided with plenty of wood to chop if they got cold and limitless amounts of tobacco to roll into filter-less cigarettes.
Senior citizens were banned from Disneyland after the fateful Autopia car ride carnage two years ago, when an elderly gentleman somehow managed to plow through 10 people waiting in line, even though the car was attached to side rails. Injuries were limited due to the fact that the man was only driving 15 miles per hour at the time, with other escaped cars lined up behind him angrily beeping their horns.
Well-aware that old people pose a significant threat to the general public, but not wanting to lose out on the market entirely, Imagineers at Disney decided to section off a piece of the park to specially to contain them.
"Now the only way these imbeciles can ride on the cars is if they can manage to crank the motors themselves," chuckled Disney CEO Robert Iger.
But plans have come to a halt after 20 old-timers complained of internal hemorrhaging after boarding the Bladderhorn and being launched through thirteen 360-degree loops positioned over a swamp with mechanical swans muddling around it.
The only unharmed couple were getting their diapers changed when they heard the screams.
Park employees were visibly upset.
"They're just tryin' to get attention," security officer Deborah Proto commented, rubbing her eye with her good hand. "They come through here plenty times 'afore, drunk." Proto looks forward to launching her own investigation into the matter.
Lawyers for the victims say this wouldn't have happened if even one single family member had been present to try and talk "the old bastards" into riding "It's a Small World" instead, but anyone related to the bedwetting blue-hairs had long ago lost interest in their biological benefactors.
"It's not like he even knows who I am," reasoned Todd Ashment, the great-grandson of a man who sustained severe head injuries. He shovels another bite of mashed yams into the older man's awaiting mouth. "Especially now."
While litigation is underway, Disney has announced that it will blithely forge ahead with new-fangled g-force rides for pregnant women and people with mild-to-moderate heart problems.
However, the company still adamantly refuses to consider a new set of coasters for the obese.
"Fat people don't belong at Disneyland, and they never will," says Iger. "That's why we build the roller coaster seats so freakin' small, man."
Another outrageous price hike on bad food all over the park is expected to ensure this long-held measure.