Consumer Reports: 'Fun Size' Snickers Actually Less Fun
While rummaging through the last remnants of his Halloween candy yesterday, ten year-old Bobby Schwank made a startling revelation.
"I went to eat a small Snickers bar, and I noticed on the wrapper that it said 'Fun Size'," he told us, struggling to choke back tears. "So I thought, 'Hey, maybe there's a toy or something inside.'"
But upon unwrapping the candy, Schwank discovered no toy, multicolored wrapper, contest, differently colored chocolate, drugs, or anything else that could've made the bar more fun for him to eat. Concluding that perhaps the additional fun lay in the bar's taste, Schwank ate the candy...and then burst into tears.
"The candy still tasted good," he said, burrowing his face in his hands. "But there was less of it. It was less fun."
Could it be that Mars, Inc, the company responsible for Snickers, gave the candy bar a "Fun Size" label despite the bar actually being less fun to eat due to its diminutive size? Company spokesman Jerold Carter commented, "Get the hell out of my office."
"Who the hell let you in here with that question?" he demanded, the blood draining from his face. "That bitch secretary? She's fired! DO YOU HEAR ME?"
Hours later, perhaps as a response from our reporters' visit, the company issued a press release on Fun Size Snickers.
"There has been some recent controversy over whether or not Fun Size Snickers are more fun than their normal-sized counterparts," the release read. "The answer, of course, is yes: much more fun."
That explanation may be good for some, but for children such as Bobby Schwank, it's not enough.
"I like candy," he explained. "So if I had four or five bites of Snickers instead of only one or two, I would be having more fun."
The Parental Watchdog Association agreed, vowing not to stop until the answer to Bobby's distress is uncovered.
"This kind of mistreatment of our children is unacceptable," a spokeswoman said. "I'm sure it somehow ties back into violent video games, too, so we're just going to go ahead and incorporate those into this crusade as well."
With a little luck, she said, Fun Size Snickers would end up where they belong: out of the country.
"This is the kind of thing they would appreciate in Africa or China or something, not here," she said. "I say we should gather up all the Fun Size Snickers we can find, put them in a plane, and drop them on some third-world country. Let them deal with it."
Amar Jbmial, a ten year-old boy in Somalia, agreed.
"Please let me have the less-fun candy," he pleaded. "I am so hungry."