Wachovia Apologizes For Saying 'Slave'
Mere minutes after issuing an apology for two of its historical predecessors profiting from slavery over 100 years ago, Wachovia Corporation apologized once again, this time for saying the words "slave", "slavery", "slaves", and "African-Americans" in its aforementioned statement.
"The Wachovia Corporation sincerely and heartfeltastically apologizes for using these offensive words, which we now realize could be used to make certain segments of the American population feel bad about certain things," said Ken Thompson, Wachovia chairman and chief executive officer, crying loudly.
"God, if we only had time machines!" he blurted out in frustration, pounding his fist on his desk. "Or if only I was a slave! A black slave!"
Company insiders suggest that in the upcoming several minutes, Thompson will issue an additional apology apologizing for his previous apologies, which he now believes could come off as "condescending" and "insensitive to certain epidermically color-spectrum challenged Americans."
The cause of the wave of apologies is a Chicago ordinance requiring companies that do business with the city to disclose any profits their ancestors might've gained from slavery. If the answer to that question is
"some", companies must issue a public apology and subject each employee to at least seven minutes of public stoning and caning.
"Thank you," sobbed one Wachovia employee as he was showered in rocks by some young white teenagers. "Thank you, I'm sorry."
It's all part of an attempt that Chicago is undertaking to make companies answer for what their predecessors did in the past.
"These renegade companies may have 'equal hiring standards' and 'diverse workforces' now, but believe me -- they weren't so squeaky-clean back when slavery was legal," said John Meyers, history professor at the University of Pennsylvania, ominously. "They would brazenly own hundreds of slaves with a complete disregard of future laws."
Other cities are following suit; in fact, some believe that these "slavery admission laws" are just the beginning.
"Do I think it's a bad idea to force companies to split their earnings with African-Americans? No," said Philadelphia Mayor John Street. "It's really the only way people will finally learn that slavery is wrong."
And back in Chicago, banking giant J.P. Morgan, having also admitted its past ties to slavery, has now taken what spokesman Tom Kelly calls "an important step in mending our ways".
"We've taken this enterprising young African-American right off the street in front of our building and given him the chance to run the company," he said proudly, posing for a photo with a young man who was dressed in a large blanket and sniffing repeatedly. "This man's ancestors may have been enslaved by our company, but now, he's the President of the whole operation! And I think it's only fitting that I complete the role-reversal by becoming his slave."
Kelly then kneeled down in front of the man and said happily, "Ah lawdy, I's at yo' service, massah!"
Hopefully, says John Meyers, retributions like these will help prevent slavery from once more rearing its ugly head.
"Every day that goes by, I wake up and think to myself, 'Today could be the day that they bring slavery back,'" he said. "But what Wachovia did here today should delay that at least a week or so."