Google Rejects Bob's Demand For Search Records
Last Monday, a local man named Bob demanded that the Internet's most popular search engine -- Google, although we're obligated by our sponsor to say that MSN's search engine is "more cool" -- release all search information entered by the website's visitors. Google CEO Eric Schmidt refused and was outraged at the prospect.
"Why the hell would we release our search records to Bob?" he asked incredulously in a press conference. "It's really damn creepy."
Shortly after Google's refusal to cooperate, Bob sued the company in a San Jose, CA court. He requested that the court subpoena Schmidt's company and force them to release all the information he wanted.
"All I want," said Bob, "is a few million names and websites. If it is wrong to want to know what interests a couple million other people, then maybe I'm a criminal. But who out there will deny that he wouldn't sift through tens of millions of pages of personal information for no real reason? I'll tell you who will deny it: no one."
A few small, no-name "civil liberties and privacy" organizations were troubled by Bob's request. A few of those organizations include the World Privacy Forum, the Electronic Privacy Information Center, Privacy Rights Clearinghouse, Privacy International, the Privacy Foundation, the Privacy Alliance, the Libertarian Party, and something called the ACLU. The remaining 400 or so groups outraged by Bob were even less important.
"We can't just let people [like Bob] have the private information of American citizens," said Rupert Horn, president of either the Privacy Alliance or the World Privacy Forum, we're not sure. "What would he do with it? Why does he want it? Who the hell is 'Bob' anyway?"
However, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was displeased by Google's refusal to cooperate.
"In the post-9/11 world," said Gonzales, whose dirty parents probably arrived in this country floating on a door, "every upstanding American citizen must do his or her part to combat terrorism. For example, if you see someone suspicious or Muslim, just pick up the phone and call your local FBI agents. Everyone must watch and rat on everyone else; it's the only way to stay safe from terrorism."
He smiled warmly and added: "And if an upstanding American citizen like Bob wants to protect us, well then why not let him? What have you got to hide?"
Others, however, are not so certain Bob is the best person to have such private information.
According to many of Bob's friends and relatives, who requested to remain anonymous "for personal reasons and safety", Bob has kept people locked in cages for years on end for unspecified reasons. He has blown up countless buildings and killed thousands of innocent people. Throughout the course of his life, he has massacred Native Americans, oppressed black people and owned slaves. He steals money from as many people as he can and uses it to pay for a lavish lifestyle, including fundraising banquets and golf tournaments. His criminal record notwithstanding, Bob is also "just an asshole".
"I don't want someone as horrible as Bob demanding the personal information of millions of American citizens," said Jill Brown, an attorney with the Institute for Justice. "Bob is just too dangerous."
Bob, however, disagreed. "I'm not dangerous," he said while smiling and kissing a fat little baby. "Trust me, America, trust me. What have you got to hide?"
The baby began to cry.