Office Workers Trapped With Asshole Not Sure How Long They Can Hold Out
Authorities say that 15 workers have been stuck, since early April, in perilous confinement with total asshole and co-worker Patrick Lighter, and that the situation is growing more serious by the day. Reports from those in contact with the employees of Burton & Mann Accounting, Ltd. indicate that resources and patience are wearing thin, and many doubt that those trapped in Lighter's presence will be able to hold out much longer.
"The situation is dire, and if all of that pent-up hostility and loathing of Mr. Lighter isn't released, then things could disintegrate further," said Patrolman Edwin Gregg of the Vernon Hills police department, who went to high school with some of the employees. "The environment in which the employees of Burton & Mann are stuck are very dangerous, and everyone involved must be sure to keep things from getting worse before they can improve."
Employees have expressed concern that they lack the necessary resources to cope with Lighter's assholery, and that a memo from CEO Sela Burton abrogating drinking of alcohol on Friday afternoons on company time was a crushing blow to the mental health of the company's work force.
"About the only time that Pat is bearable, let alone likeable, is when everyone is too drunk to really get annoyed at his stupid and self-righteous commentary on world-issues of which he knows nothing about," says Scott Schulman, accountant and colleague of the apocryphal Lighter. "However, in the cold light of sobriety, [Lighter's] tendency to steer every conversation into a personal saga of some great accomplishment of his back in high school or college is nearly unbearable, and it's only a matter of time before one of us snaps."
Along with Lighter's incessant self-attention, his dull Minnesotan accent, cocksureness and unceasing one-upmanship have brought conditions to the edge of collapse.
"I'm going to die if I hear one of his half-baked theories about global-warming," said summer intern Steve Jameson. "It wouldn't be so bad if he weren't so completely sure of himself, but it's obvious that his opinion of global warming being a liberal myth comes from something that someone he knows told him they read in Newsweek 10 years ago."
"At least he knows," Jameson added sarcastically, "that all research and evidence to the contrary was done by leftist-funded scientists and hacks."
Even those who vote along the same lines as Lighter view his affiliation with the Republican Party as a liability to the organization. Concern grows with each passing day as lunchroom conversations teeter closer and closer to the brink of "going off" on Lighter.
"I'd love to rip him a new [asshole] the next time he manages to turn an intelligent political debate into another story of him going to state in wrestling his junior year," said Tim Hutton, who works at the desk adjacent to Lighter. "Of course, I could be fired or maybe even arrested if I were to say everything to him that I want to, but I just don't know how many more times I can let him refer to the pre-civil rights era as 'the good ol' days' without being forced to reduce him to tears."
Worried friends and family members are sharing concern for the workers. Some have suggested that the authorities should take a greater role in rectifying the situation, while others blame management, who they say should have seen problems like this coming.
"When my husband [Tim] comes home every night, it’s never 'Hi, honey, I had a great day at work today,'" said Vanessa Hutton. "No, it's 'Guess what that prick Lighter said today in the lunchroom -- God, I hate him.' I'm very concerned for my husband's well being, because if this goes on for much longer, he will either develop an ulcer, or he'll quit his job just to get away from Lighter. It's conditions like this that should remind everyone of the importance of legalizing unions."
Though management has defended its hiring of Lighter as part of their equal-opportunity policy, it has admitted that conditions brought upon by Lighter's self-aggrandizement have been known to be dangerous.
"While it is our policy to hire based on credentials and not race, creed or color, it is unfortunate that there isn't a real barometer for gauging the level of a potential employee's prick-osity until they've been with the company for a few months," admitted company vice-president Howard Mann. "If I knew then what I know today, I would have shredded [Lighter's] resume so that I would never have had to hear his annoying voice in the first place."
Mann quickly amended his comments by noting that Burton & Mann has nothing against Minnesotans or their accents, but that Lighter's dumbassery and dickheadity is exasperated by the northern drawl.