Verizon Announces 'Drink-And-Dial' Cell Plan For Heavy Drinkers
Drunken idiots everywhere can pass out a bit more soundly now that Verizon has unveiled a revolutionary new feature to their cell phone plan that has many Americans breathing an alcohol-laden sigh of relief.
The "Drink-and-Dial" package allows for the automatic recording of all calls made after 11:30 P.M. on weekends and re-plays the complete, incoherent conversations for dizzy dialers in the morning, allowing subscribers ample time to prepare for awkward confrontations with poor excuses and reassurances that "this doesn't happen often". The feature also sounds an "opt-out" alert before the call is even connected, letting users know that if they shut up now, humiliation and regret may be spared in the morning.
Verizon has also set up a back-to-school special for college students, whereby every night of the week can be added to the monitoring plan at no additional charge.
The feature was added after intoxicated test groups returned unanimous votes in favor of the new cell feature's valuable worth, offering to volunteer over and over again.
"I often wake up next to someone I never would have called otherwise," Andrea Ortiz admits. "With the new feature, I won't have to worry about gnawing off my arm while trying once again to remember where I am and whose bedroom I decided to spend the night in."
But booty calls alone were not what initially inspired the idea behind the popular Drink-and-Dial feature, though it has been a major selling point among shiftless young people.
The original concept for the feature came from an unlikely source: Lewis "Shooter" Libby.
Shooter, as he's fondly referred to on the Hill, was a top-ranking political advisor known for his uncanny ability to shoot mass quantities of high-grade tequila at local watering holes without ever paying for it. Recently, after commiserating all night with a few unnamed Republicans and an entire case of Don Julio's Blue Agave, Shooter made what appeared to be a nonchalant call to "some writer dude" he knew.
According to grand jury testimony, Shooter had no idea what he'd said until one of the aides he'd slept with the night before reluctantly produced a copy of the New York Times.
"That's when the idea hit me," Verizon owner Allen explains. "I knew immediately that a cell plan feature like this could be as important to the entire fate of the nation as, say, the refusal of airlines to discontinue lengthy 'no smoking allowed' announcements on planes."
"I mean, you would think people would know by now not to fucking light one up in mid-air, but for some unknown reason the airlines don't think it's quite clear yet. We at Verizon also believe that Americans cannot just wander about, largely unchecked. Safety is our first responsibility, after all, aside from making money."
Matthew Haskins, a good-for-nothing upstart who attributes at least three ex-girlfriend reconciliations to late-night drunk-dialing, is happy about the addition: "Go-backs never work," he says.
Haskins also claims that, although the make-up sex is an initial draw for him, things mostly fizzle out when he begins behaving "the only way he knows how." But now, for the mere cost of a vodka tonic, he can double-check his previous night's conversations and plot how to recant on heartfelt declarations of love before the rest of the world even wakes up.
"Never again," he moans one morning while listening to a slurred recording of himself telling an ex-girlfriend that he wanted to "love you up". "I am never drinking again, after tonight and this weekend because I already made the plans, god damnit."
Christian fundamentalists oppose the new package, and have begun placing annoying phone calls to residents -- many of them via Verizon phone service -- asking for a nationwide boycott of all Verizon products.
An unsurprising majority of sauced-up, cell phone-wielding Americans have signed up for the plan so far. Future billing options will include transcripts of drunken dialogues that hold up in court and an alcohol-measuring device built right into phone receivers for better on-the-spot recording accuracy.