Man Hired Thanks To Impressive Photo Commenting Skills, Twitter Updates, Cat Picture Collection
Even in the midst of the worst recession the earth has ever faced, a lucky few individuals are still being hired -- just ask Thomas Alvin, who recently earned the prestigious title of Senior News Analyst at CNN despite being just 20 years old.
Although Alvin lacks a degree or real-world experience, he does possess several qualities that many employers are now starting to look for in candidates: a wealth of real-internet experience, and a degree in Internetology.
"It's a new world out there -- we can't afford to hire on esoteric qualities like hard skills and good references anymore," said CNN HR consultant Anne Bryers. "Instead, we look for people who are really 'with it' -- 'it' being social media blogging two point oh blogosphere networking. More than any other candidate, Thomas fit this bill."
Alvin's credentials, forged during his 10 year tenure of operating the computer in his bedroom, include a vast array of comments on his friends' Facebook photos, ranging from the observational ("u look funny there lol") to the philosophical ("u seem funny there lol"). He also possesses a wealth of over 500 pictures of cats with captions written on them.
"Most of these I didn't make myself," he explained to a delighted cadre of CNN reporters, "but I did find them on the internet."
"Some of them came from blogs," he added, causing his new coworkers to squeal with happiness.
But what may have put Alvin over the top, says Anne Bryers, is his "truly impressive" Twitter feed. It contains over 2,300 posts, 56% of which are his thoughts on various television shows, and is followed by over 3,000 people.
"There is something special about 3,000 people tuning in to read Thomas talk about how 'Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles' breaks canon in over 17 places," she said, beaming. "I must admit I'm a little confused by it, but --"
Bryers then had to terminate her statement, having just been fired by CNN. The company later released a statement emphasizing that "we are in no way confused by anything that happens on internet 2.56 blogging tweets."
As technology progresses and the economy continues to slog along in its mire, experts predict that other companies will follow CNN's lead in hiring young, fresh faces who seem to "get" what the fuck is going on. In a recent Associated Press/Twitter/Uncle Matt's Facebook Page poll, over 60% of business owners said they believed the key to economic recovery was "the internet somehow".
One of those 60% is Marv Landis, owner of a small Trenton, NJ firm that polishes over six different kinds of metals. Landis recently hired an internet expert for over $140,000 per year.
"This fella is really going to get the Landis name out there," he said proudly, gesturing to a young man furiously posting Twitter updates about metals getting shiny. "I figure that all these people who are on the internet all the time must have lots of money to spend, and lots of metal they need shinin'. How else could they afford to do nothing all day but write crap that I don't even understand?"
Landis announced that his firm was going bankrupt seven minutes after our interview concluded.