Disillusioned Patients Turn To Indie Surgeon Scene
Fed up and unable to relate to what they call the "bloated corporate-sponsored hype machine" that is the world of licensed, professional surgeons, some American people requiring surgery are beginning to turn to independent, or "indie", surgeons for their ailments.
The benefits of going indie are numerous, says indie surgeon enthusiast James Farthing, who has completely sworn off mainstream surgeons for over five years now.
"For one thing, they're a lot cheaper, since they never had to spend a lot of money on a bunch of bullshit 'schooling' that's pretty much just a piece of paper anyway," said Farthing. "Plus, they're just like, a lot cooler than mainstream surgeons."
Farthing also cited the willingness of indie surgeons to perform operations that he says lame, stodgy industry veterans wouldn't even consider.
"The mainstream scene is just so stagnant that there's very little room for innovation to appear," he explained, attempting to wink at us using a diseased, blackened third eye grafted onto his chin by special request. "Indie surgeons, on the other hand, are bursting with creativity and willingness to try something new -- big-budget jerk surgeons just can't buy their way in to this."
Still, like the mainstream medical industry, the indie surgeon scene can be fiercely competitive, although the competition is usually among patients, not doctors.
"Yeah, I found this guy in an alley in Memphis last week," said patient Samuel Johnson with some difficulty, with over one-third of his face being dead and colored a strange purple hue. "He told me if I gave him some crack he could give me that brain extension I've been wanting. I pretty much am the only person whose heard of him so far, but I'm sure he'll be pretty big in a few weeks when the fake scenesters pick up on him."
"It's so refreshing to find a surgeon that isn't so tied to our capitalist society, and can accept forms of payment other than money," agreed a friend of Johnson's, who could not give her name because she had an indie surgeon remove it for her. "I paid my surgeon with a poem about death, and he was totally cool with that. Oh, well, I had to give him gin, too, but the poem was the main thing that he used."
"HUUURRRNHH!" shouted infamous indie surgeon expert Ron Marvis, vomiting intensely as he does every 15 minutes. "HHHURRRRNRRAHH."
But does the burgeoning industry pose any kind of real threat to more accredited surgeons? According to several accredited surgeons, no.
"I believe people seeking out these so-called 'indie surgeons' are just part of a fad, and once they see the sub-par results, they'll come back to us," said Dr. Thad Tomiscus. "There really is no reason not to see a real, fully-licensed surgeon. All I ask of my patients is that they bring millions of dollars."
"The idea that there's something we can't offer you is preposterous," scoffed another mainstream doctor. "Plus, if the majority of people like something, that means it's good. It's in the Constitution...of America."
"Y-yes, I'll give you an operation, whatever you want!" shrieked Dr. Tammy Smith from behind the chair in her office, cowering from our reporter. "Just please don't sue me!"
Still, indie enthusiasts say they aren't likely to be swayed back to the medical mainstream anytime soon.
"Listen, those kind of surgeons might be fine for your average office monkeys who are dead from the neck up, but I feel like I need something a little more special," said James Farthing with a knowing smile. "Going to an indie surgeon makes me feel like I'm just different than everyone else -- like, different in a better way."