Cell Phones Become Most Preferred Method Of Birth Control
A recent study presented to the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology (ESHRE) proposes that carrying cell phones in pockets or otherwise near the genitals can reduce male fertility, opening the door to a combination of birth control and unlimited hours on nights and weekends, depending on service plan.
"This is great," stated patent lawyer Liam Sellers, 30. "I thought I was going to have to keep wearing rubbers or just hope for those glorious four words 'I'm on the pill'. But now, I can stay in touch with Mom and lay all the pipe all I want."
Though other non-medical procedures for preventing pregnancy have been developed, the use of cell phones is not only a reliable but fashionable way to screw safely sans rubber, according to the study; that cancer may be one malady from excessive use of cell phones has not perturbed the sexually active and cell-phone carrying population. Most, in fact, are enthusiastic about the findings.
"Sure, go ahead and add 'cell-phone cancer' to the list," said Sellers, "but paying monthly bills to Cingular beats the cost of a vasectomy – do you know what that feels like?"
Scratching his crotch and looking around uncomfortably, Sellers concluded: "Well, neither do I, but they get into your Jimmy and tie knots. Holy shit, give me radiation any day."
The cell-phone craze that has swept the nation is expected to intensify, said Cingular representative Raymond Rexus.
"Having the latest technology, which once meant owning a compact phone with Internet access and voice-commands, has now become inadequate for today's consumer," he stated. "Now, in addition to staying in touch with friends and relatives and owning a color-screen phone, having the most up-to-date wireless product on the market is a way of saying 'I will not get you knocked up'. Can you hear me now?"
According to the major wireless companies, consumer response has been very positive and sales are expected to increase as sexual mores continue to erode and "sport-fucking", as it's commonly known, becomes as easy as consistently leaving a Motorolla model 95XXG in one's pocket. The demographic that will be the focus of new advertisements from these companies that pair sex and cell phones will be the 20-to-30-something modern man and woman.
"I love it when I'm sitting in a bar or restaurant and some cute guy reaches into his pocket to pull out his ringing cell phone, especially if it's got a cool ring tone like 'Take On Me' or 'Billy Jean'," said marketing representative Sheila Bergham, 28. "I always feel drawn to a man like that because I know that he can give me what I want without giving me a child I don't."
Bergham looked around the room only to see a white male, approximately her age, reaching into his pocket and producing a phone that he confidently put to his ear. This prompted Bergham to set her cellular phone ring mode to "vibrate" as she put it on her lap.
"I'll bet that cell phone isn't the only thing in his trousers," she added.
Some experts, however, remain skeptical and are hesitant to issue an official statement about the effects of wearing cellular phones close to male genitalia.
Said Lawrence Norris, emeritus professor of physics at Northwestern University: "Some doctors in the early 90's were too quick to declare what effects on fertility drinking Mountain Dew and smoking marijuana supposedly had, but when that proved wrong, the damage had already been done."
But his warning is likely going to fall on deaf ears for many eager to embrace the trend -- and even those who believe in it, but are wary of possible health-related side effects; Motorolla has announced plans to market the "pocket pecker protector", a product meant to repel the radioactive effects of the milliwat transmitter within each phone that will be worn like an athletic cup over the genitals.
"There has been a small but insistent customer base which insists on carrying cellular phones and eventually having children," said Motorolla president Michael Zorifovski. "We want to please every customer, not just the young and horny ones."