Erectile Dysfunction Caused By Erectile Dysfunction Ads, Study Shows
A study released by the American Medical Association today has found that most Americans who suffer from erectile dysfunction do so as a result of the average daily diet of advertisements for treatments of erectile dysfunction, raising "some concerns," according to AMA spokesman Dan Ronald at a press conference.
"The inundation of messages that inform the public of new ways to 'enhance your sex life' or 'get it up again, you old man' have sparked ubiquitous feelings of inadequacy and fear throughout the fuck-impaired populace," Ronald said.
The study includes first-hand accounts from those affected by the ads.
"I thought that our sex life was great," said factory worker Dennis Staley about he and his wife, "but then I came across an ad in the newspaper touting some spiel about 'reinvigorate your love life'. Since then, I can't help but wonder if I'm vigorous enough or living up to my full potential, and all that wondering...well, it can do a number on your confidence, let's just say."
Staley explained that since reading the newspaper advertisement, his fears have been reinforced by other similar points of sale on buses, trains, billboards and telemarketers. Feelings of failure and small-penisness, he regretfully admits, now make it impossible to "bring his soldier to attention".
Studies show that, on average, American men are exposed to penile dysfunction advertisements once every 20 minutes, and 75 times more than that if they have an email account that they check regularly. 30% of males over the age of 18 have admitted to not being able to maintain an erection for more than 24 hours, causing many to flock to the pharmacy for the latest in male-enhancement products.
"I thought being able to do four hours was pretty good," said Bill Parsons, another member of the study, glumly, "until I received a spirit-crushing email that asked me if 'my L@dy c0uld uZe M0Re in bdro00m?!' And I started to realize that when you compare it to a whole day or even six days, four hours is not very good at all."
50% of those surveyed were almost evenly split between being "somewhat", "partially", "sort of", "kind of", and "occasionally" satisfied with their love lives. The other 20% were locked in their rooms, crying.
"My girlfriend keeps telling me that I'm great in bed and that I don't need Viagra," said James Bickle, 23, graduate student. "But then why did she need to buy a dildo? I'd like to think it's because she can't get enough, but then why does she call it her 'Charmed Snake' while my penis remains anonymous?"
Signing onto yahoo.com and entering the words "erectile dysfunction", Bickle, to his relief, found 520,253,894,071,233,001 possible solutions/causes of his problem.
"I would never have guessed that there are so many ways to get a hard-on," beamed the second-fiddle to his girlfriend's double-dong, "but I was never aware that there was a problem until all these different companies told me that I wasn't up to the challenge, and that, with the help of a free sample, I could be all that I want to be. Thank God they did or I would never have known."
However, Cantgetitupitis, as it is referred to in the medical community, can come from other sources too, the study revealed. Reports list that sexual partners suffering from ugliness, frigidity, poor technique or general fatassery have all contributed to the outbreak, and a few "radical" doctors even assert that these factors can take precedence over the debilitating advertisements.
"It has been my experience," said Dr. Sam Berkow of the National Institute of Genetics and Reproduction, "that the male inability to achieve sexual arousal has much less to do with the state of the man's mind than it does the state of the breasts and ass belonging to the woman that he about to bone."
Dr. Berkow suggests that female participation in a steady exercise schedule, a consistent shopping routine at Victoria's Secret, and/or the occasional soap-and-water treatment are all much more effective than synthetic solutions.
"Some extreme cases may require the use of pornography, or actual entertainment of the blonde-and-brunette-16-year-olds fantasy that a man may have kept secret for all those years," further prescribed the sexologist.