Man Eats Apple To Counteract Rest Of Day's Poor Eating
Local man Marvin Smelts ate an apple at roughly 11PM last evening in the belief that it would "make up for" the deplorable eating habits he displayed prior to then, he revealed at a press conference this morning from his apartment living room.
Smelts, who lives alone, says that he it isn't always easy attempting to eat a well-balanced diet.
"A lot of times, I'm inhibited by my lack of ability to cook anything other than Ramen noodles, occasional microwave popcorn, and other flavors of Ramen noodles," Smelts confessed. "It can be pretty tough."
Still, he often tries to incorporate a healthy diet into his lifestyle, and even occasionally succeeds.
"I really have a lot of luck mixing and matching the different kinds of candy," he explained. "I'll start out with some Skittles to cover the fruity group, eat a light lunch of some sour gummy worms to cover the sour gummy worms group, and have a few Snickers bars for dinner in order to make up for any of the other groups that I may have missed."
"So as you can see, aside from my occasional after dinner snack of ice cream, Ramen noodles, a Personal Pan Pizza from Pizza Hut, some of those hilarious coins that are actually chocolate, and some gummy peach rings, I eat a fairly well-balanced diet," he added.
But after recently discovering that most of the foods he enjoys come with nutritional labels that detail their nutritional content, Smelts realized he needed to make a change.
"I was shocked to find that despite their fruity taste, Skittles don't actually give you any of the vitamins you need," Smelts said in disbelief. "Hello? False advertising, anyone? I don't see how those guys could get away with shit like that."
Smelts put the diet change on his "to do" list -- which also currently includes reorganizing his CDs and cutting his hair -- but it still remains to be done. Smelts cites being "extremely busy" as the reason for the delay.
"I have an art project that I'm really putting a lot of time into," he said, showing us a blank piece of paper with the words "Dragon Lord" at the top. "It really takes up a lot of my time and concentration, so a lot of times I don't really have time to think about stuff like dieting and paying my bills on time."
Nevertheless, after a day's worth of particularly bad binging on foods with little-to-no nutritional value, Smelts felt compelled to eat the apple.
"All I really had to eat that day was a box and a half of Double Stuffed Oreos and three Slurpees, so I was feeling pretty low," he said. "That's when it occurred to me to finally do something about it."
After purchasing and eating the single apple, Smelts described his spirits as being improved "17-fold".
"I really felt like kind of a health freak," he said, blushing. "It was weird, because I've made fun of people like that all my life. But there I was, chomping down a damn apple like I was a vegan-tarian or something!"
Though he did not actually measure on a scale, Smelts estimates that he lost approximately 50 pounds by consuming the apple, in addition to adding several years to his life.
"I'm a new man," he said proudly. "I probably don't really need to start up the diet anytime soon, on account of the apple."
Smelts also chastised the rest of the nation for not following his lead.
"America is really turning into the land of the fat," he said, shaking his head. "It's time for people to take a lesson from me and clean up their acts. Eat an apple: it's not that hard, and it can make up for at least a day's worth of crappy eating."
"I'm no doctor," Smelts added with a grin. "I'm just an ordinary guy who knows what he's talking about."