Gay Marriage Fuels Iraq War, Energy Problems

Pictured: gay marriage destroying everything.

The GOP has once again taken up the battle against allowing two people of the same gender to receive recognition in their state of choice, with President Bush calling for a constitutional ban on the sick, bizarre act.

The resumption of the battle during other matters of importance -- such as the ever-worsening state in Iraq, high fuel prices, and immigration -- can only mean that gay marriage actually supercedes these other issues, and in fact causes them to exist.

"We could waste valuable taxpayers' time talking about the war in Iraq on the Senate floor," said Senator Sam Brownback , whose back is actually quite white and, he assures us, man-free at all times, "but instead we're getting to the root of the problem: gays getting married. By stopping that, we'll fix this country yet."

"My prior doctor's experience tells me that every time two homosexuals want to engage in marriage-titude, another insurgent is created in Iraq," said Senator Bill Frist smartly. "In addition, it just ain't natural."

In another show of the importance of stopping gay marriage before we're all killed, President Bush took time during his radio address on Saturday to condemn it, then also spoke at an event today supporting the constitutional amendment.

"I respect these people as possible constituents, but as people living in my country, I am repulsed by them," the President explained. "Due to my and other people's disgust, I think it's only fair that they aren't allowed to get married."

At the event, Senator Frist further used his doctor's expertise to explain how likely it is that, should gay marriage be left up to the states to decide, other, even more harmful marriages be allowed as well.

"Once two men can get married, there's really nothing stopping the slippery slope down to a man marrying a particularly attractive raccoon," he said. "Let's face it: we've all seen raccoons, and some of them can be quite fetching with their mysterious, suggestive eye-masks and supple bodies. But damn it, we have to resist! We have to be strong! I don't want to play football, but I will, Dad!"

He then burst into tears.

Senator Brownback also contributed with the familar-yet-poignant argument that gays getting married completely invalidates straight heterosexual marriages.

"Let's say I have a perfectly good, all-American chair," he said, using an analogy. "Then someone comes along and builds a queer thing that's strange and sick, but he calls it a chair, too. In this scenario, how could I possibly still use my own chair? I couldn't, because it's gross and I HATE FUCKING GAY PEOPLE."

Unfortunately for the amendment's supporters, its passage through the Senate, let alone the House and the little-heard-of Gay House, seems unlikely, especially with 2004 President Bush opposing it.

"I don't plan on pushing for a ban on gay marriage," said the Bush of Two Years Past to a 2004 edition of The Washington Post, flickering insubstantially and moaning occasionally. "I'm also confident that my poll numbers can really only go up from here."

Still, people like Matt Daniels, who is president of The Alliance For Marriage, Yes We're Seriously An Organization Called The Alliance For Marriage (TAFMYWSAOCTAFM), will continue the fight to end everything bad the U.S. has ever faced, however in vain it may be.

"Our children, family, nation!" he sputtered, explosively voiding his bowels and vomiting simultaneously. "Huuuurgghaaa! Bluuuuhhhhaaa!"

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