Marijuana User Gives In To Peer Pressure, Runs Over Little Girl, Disappoints Grandmother
A Rhode Island user of marijuana -- a drug many in the U.S. consider to be the most sick, disgusting substance ever created -- recently succumbed to many of the drug's widely-known effects, running a little girl over with his car, making his grandmother cry, and doing other terrible things in the process.
Donald "Loser Druggie" Smith, a once-promising 17 year-old who was given the drug at a party, quickly found himself immersed in the shadow world of death and mayhem that marijuana brings its users.
"I was more animal than man," Smith says, choking up from his current position in jail, where he now resides due to being considered an extreme threat to society. "I felt the marijuana enter my lungs, my brain, and I thought: 'I am ready to kill. I am a fucking killing machine.'"
Smith instantly rounded up two friends who were also stoned to pile into his car. The three proceeded to run over a little girl on her bicycle while on a quest for "munchies", once-normal food that marijuana users turn into disgusting trash.
"I can't believe he was going to eat more than one burger," said Smith's father (although he would later disown the boy) of the incident. "That little girl died just because his insane marijuana addiction made him unable to just eat a normal amount of food like the rest of America."
In addition to murdering the little girl and being a fatass pig, Smith completely blew off a dinner date with his grandmother, causing her to cry.
"Marijuana did this," she moaned. "Marijuana is the only thing that could make a teenager suddenly want to hang out with his friends over his 89 year-old grandmother."
Analysts believe peer pressure most likely forced Smith to smoke the killer drug.
"Nobody ever decides to do this on their own -- it's impossible," said one policeman at the crime scene. "In fact, if it weren't for the very first marijuana user -- who was peer pressured into the drug by two mischievous ghosts -- peer pressuring other people to use it, who in turn use their peer pressure and so on, nobody would ever use it."
Smith, who was on track to attend Harvard after high school due to his excellent grades and school involvement, has instantly become only a few I.Q. points above being a slobbering retard, and is at least equivalent to other criminals like thieves and rapists.
"Sure, I stole a couple of thousand in merchandise from a Circuit City, made the clerk piss himself as a waved my gun in his face," said one inmate, who declined to be named for fear that Smith would murder him and smoke his blood, "but this guy Smith is a fucking crazy asshole. Thank God he's in here with me and not out on the street running over more kids."
It appears as though Smith will spend plenty of time off the streets; since a generous friend gave him about 1 kg of the demon seed, state law dictates that he must serve at least 10 years in prison, the same minimum sentence for his armed robber cellmate. Most agree that the sentencing is appropriate.
"Sure, he seemed like he was going to contribute to our society, but when he decided to smoke marijuana, it was obvious all he was going to do was cause people harm," said Paul Sarn, a local man at a bar. "What a shame."
"I agree, it's a shame," replied the man next to him, prompting a drunken Sarn to scream, "MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS." The two began fighting violently.
"At least," commented another man at the bar, "he was put into jail before he got a girlfriend to use it, too, and she became pregnant."
"With people like this Smith kid smoking marijuana inside the privacy of their own homes, then driving out and running over children...it makes you wonder how more kids haven't died yet," said a local mother, clutching her children to her tightly. "In fact, this is really the first marijuana-related fatality I've ever heard of. The media must be hiding the --"
She was interrupted as a car, driven by Paul Sarn, careened into her.
The White House Office of National Drug Control says it will continue to respond to hopeless fools like Smith with "honest, true-to-life commercials" that teens relate to.
"Teens are hip to our message: pot is not hot," said a spokesman. "We believe that eventually, spending billions of dollars of taxpayers' money on this crisis will pay off."