Seniors Surprisingly Support Medicine That Will Make Them Feel Better
A poll released on Saturday revealed that nearly three-fourth's of elderly Americans support the legalization of medical marijuana to help treat the painful effects of many diseases, results that "surprised and astounded" many politicians, doctors, and even elderly citizens alike around the nation.
"I would never have thought that people would want to legalize something that could be prescribed to them by a physician to make their terminal diseases more tolerable, but hey -- it is 2005," exclaimed Dr. Thad Jonson, a doctor in Montana. "Almost anything can happen these days!"
"I thought I was the only one who didn't like pain," said a stunned 78 year-old cancer sufferer from Idaho. "I guess this just goes to show you that no matter how strange your beliefs might seem, there's always at least a few other people out there who might agree with you."
The poll is somewhat timely, as medical marijuana's possible legalization with a physician's recommendation will be discussed in the Supreme Court next year. Advocates say the possible legalization could represent a major landmark in alleviating pain.
"I have bad arthritis, and I know of only one cure, man!" shouted an unidentified 28 year-old man who described himself as "very elderly and very arthritic". "These normal pills just aren't working for me! My arthritis, I mean!"
"Whoa, my glaucoma," moaned a 17 year-old New Jersey resident, an unusually young sufferer of the eye condition many believe could be helped by medical marijuana. "Is that a tree in front of me? I can't even see because of my glaucoma!"
But many in the Bush administration oppose the move, and in some cases, flat-out refuse to believe the results of this and other polls.
"Most people don't want medical marijuana to be legalized and are in fact afraid that it will turn their friends and loved ones into reefer addicts," said one state representative matter-of-factly. "I mean, that's what I think, and I'm a state representative, after all."
Others in the Bush administration argued that medicinal marijuana could "undermine the war on drugs".
"The war on drugs is a war that we're very, very close to winning," explained Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.). "Seriously, we're like, one month away from getting rid of all the drugs in America right now, as well as everyone's desire to do them. But this marijuana business is threatening to tip the scales and make us lose the whole damn thing! You don't want all that taxpayer money to have gone to waste, do you?"
"What's next, medicinal paint thinner?" shouted another representative. "Because you can use that to get high, you know!"
The representative was then told that purchasing paint thinner is not illegal, causing the blood to drain from his face.
"Get me the Supreme Court," he whispered, jotting down a list of other potentially-mind-altering substances eligible for ban, including cough syrup, "smelly markers", and adhesive glue.
The exhausted Senator then announced his desire to "relax", and went off in search of a bottle of whiskey.