Study Links Pregnancy And Fucking
Despite sexual intercourse having been portrayed for decades as a consequence-free, visceral, and basely gratifying experience, recent studies performed at a high-profile U.S. research lab suggest that fucking a person of the opposite sex can actually often result in pregnancy.
The study, which involved only 36 individuals, ranging in age from 25-35 and paired off into male and female couples, demanded that subjects, "Hump like rabbits, bounce off the walls and don't talk to each other for at least nine months, just like you normally would."
12 of the 36 test subjects were found to be in a state of "knocked-uppedness" (pregnant, for the laymen) not long after the fucking, all of whom were women -- a disparity that doctors initially cited as proof that there was no relation between babies and the "act of makin' babies," since males should theoretically become pregnant, as well.
However, upon further testing, all male subjects were found to have lacked a urethra and ovaries. While some medical officials are still skeptical, others have come to the conclusion that the males are, as stated in Monday's edition of the Archives of Internal Medicine, "Off the hook."
The preliminary study has staggering implications, according to many scientists, and in fact "flies in the face" of conventional knowledge about sexual intercourse.
"Years of listening to the likes of Miss Elliot, KISS and the Lords of Acid, as well as watching everything from hardcore porn to simple Doritos commercials, have proven that unprotected and reckless banging is good for recreation and rote physical satisfaction," stated Gene Carson, biologist at Northwestern University. "Nothing about porking suggests procreation."
The events that cause pregnancy have always been a hotly debated topic in modern medical fields. Although infants can usually be found within hospitals during the early stages of development, this was usually considered a coincidence, causing the origins of human babies to remain elusive. Current theories that strive to answer the age-old question, "Where do babies come from?" include sitting on gas station toilet seats, Wal-Mart, various kinds of eggs, and, in at least one case, through Immaculate Conception of the Holy Spirit.
Many professionals, however, believe in the evidence of this new study, and even claim that old theories about contraception will soon be discarded; Ben Fisher, clinical director of the University of Chicago, said he was amazed by the consistency of the findings.
"The numbers fly in the face of over 40 years of a mentality that condones rampant and informal sport-fucking with little consequence, besides an occasional dose of the clap," said Fisher. "Ever since the dawn of the 1960's sexual revolution, there was little or no recognition of the fact that bastard kids were being pumped out because people were puttin' their willies in the holiest of holies, but I guess the numbers in this new study just don't lie."
Added Fisher as he put his hand to his forehead, "Shit, if only I'd known this, I might have avoided all of that goddamned child support."
Admittedly, there are some who remain unconvinced, cited "glaring inconsistencies" in the study; six total females in the study did not "contract a baby" as a result of the fucking. Doctors did announce that four of the female test subjects not afflicted with a fertilized egg admitted to having performed "fellatio-resultant serum ingestion", an act otherwise known as "swallowing", which could have had an impact on their state of pregnancy, though doctors are not sure how.
As for the other two "un-stuffed" women, scientists are baffled, although Fisher announced that they are "goddamned lucky."
The study was not tested against "homos drilling for oil", say doctors, or "lesbian fish-fests", and though there have been no reported fertilizations due to homosexual activity, doctors remain hesitant to jump to conclusions.
Given the controversial results of these latest findings, plans are also being developed to determine a link between sexual activity and sexually transmitted diseases, the Clinton Administration, Superbowl half-time shows and the shitty weather we get every winter.