Study: Private Smoking Could Harm Those Not Minding Their Business
A recent study conducted by the Institute for Nice Trials Resulting in Unquestionably Diplomatic Endeavors concluded that fucking asshole shits ("smokers") can, by smoking in private places such as in their own cars and at home, "irreparably damage" the lives of people who have trouble minding their own business.
Such people, who are already at dangerous health risks from other people buying violent video games, listening to offensive music, and viewing racy movies, can suffer from violent spasms of the jaw and wild, uncontrollable statements that do not appear to make much sense -- all from the knowledge that even one person is lighting up a cigarette, cigar, or rolled-up piece of printer paper.
Acting quickly on the results of the study, Weyco, Inc., a company that coincidentally provides benefit plans to other company's employees, banned employees from smoking anywhere, even in their homes. The company runs random breathalyzer tests and lung examinations to enforce the policy.
"Smokers cost healthcare plans more in the long run, plain and simple," company president Howard Weyers explained. "By forcing smoking employees to quit or be fired, we're saving the kindly corporations that run our society millions of sorely-needed dollars."
Weyers added that it would only be a matter of time before the company focused on "the fatasses" and "woman-whores who get pregnant with costly babies".
"Freeloaders, your time is near," he said menacingly.
Similarly, a measure introduced in the New Jersey legislature would ban smoking in cars while driving anywhere in the state, a move that Assemblyman John McKeon says would help him feel better.
"My father died from smoking," he explained, viciously stabbing cigarettes. "He died."
Not content to simply try and pass legislature on his feelings alone, McKeon also found an impressive statistic: of 32,000 accidents linked to distraction, 1 percent were related to smoking.
"320 accidents to be avoided, all by restricting millions of motorists from smoking," he said, a dreamy look in his eyes. "It's almost enough to want to make you pass legislation banning alcohol forever."
With actions like these taking place, the people who benefit most from them are nothing but satisfied.
"I once saw a man smoking in his house when I looked through his window," commented a local activist of some kind, looking ill. "It was disgusting."
"I wonder if smokers even know that when they smoke, they are inhaling toxins," stated a prominent dog-watching woman in a local community. "I wonder if they even know that."
But for smokers, these laws are intrusive and hurtful. In fact, some smokers believe that existing laws banning smoking in certain public places should be repealed.
"I'm not hurting anyone here," said one smoker at a bar that still does permit smoking, using his secondhand smoke to hurt several people nearby. "You have to have the cigarette directly to your mouth. The smoke that comes out of me is pretty much just carbon dioxide and little pieces of my lungs."
"I'm sick of being forced outside to smoke," complained another. "Non-smokers should be the ones who have to go outside, for regular air breaks."
But Paul Tipper, project head at INTRUDE, says the dangers posed by smokers -- whether in a public place or inside their bedroom at home -- are all too real.
"If you didn't get it by now, I feel sorry for you," he said. "Smoking kills everyone. Sooner or later, it'll get you too."