Study: Using Crack Triggers Teen Blackness
Teens who use their lunch money and mom's purse money to buy crack will run a much higher risk of having their skin turn black than those who don't, according to a new study.
Researchers found that crack use tends to be higher amongst African Americans than it does Caucasians, suggesting that smoking the drug to obtain its delicious high will cause one to become of the African American race if they aren't already.
When polled, teens who said they used "a lot of motherfuckin' crack" per day were almost six times as likely to be black than those who did not use crack at all, according to the study, which also found that excessive pot smoking could lead to one becoming a hippie.
"These statistics clearly prove that there must be something in crack's chemical makeup that alters one's genes to actually change their race," said lead researcher Hyde Little, who is currently working on a degree from an online accredited university. "The message is clear: if you are happy with being white, stay away from crack."
Little did add that it might be theoretically possible for an already-black person who consumes crack to darken their skin so much that they loop back around and become Caucasian once again.
One of Little's assistants broke the theory down into slightly more scientific terms.
"When kids smoke the crack, their whiteness mana goes down," he explained. "'Mana' is a thing that's in a lot of RPGs [Role-Playing Games]. It's kind of like, a thing that's in you and provides you with power."
But the ramifications of the study go far beyond providing Carlos Mencia with something else to make an ass out of himself with; the same formula that the researchers used in their research is now being applied to other fields as well, with impressive results.
"For example, we now know that teens who listen to sexy music on their iPods are more likely to have sex, and that people who appear on Jeopardy are more likely to become smarter as a result of their appearance," said Little. "We've also discovered that people who buy condoms are much more likely to have sex, thanks to the special power infused into each condom."
"Pardon me," added Little, a light dawning in his eyes, "but I have to go pick up some condoms. I mean, milk. I mean, condoms."
The good news is that the data also contains ways to avoid drug use in general, or gravitate towards certain drugs to encourage one's race of choice to develop.
"It appears that moving into a city with a high crime rate makes one more likely to be a criminal, so you could try that, for starters," Little said after returning from the store with several large boxes stuffed in his pockets. "And remember that certain drugs can have wildly different properties, so you must exercise caution. For example, smoking opium will make you much more likely to turn into a late 19th century Chinese migrant worker."
The research is generally being heralded as positive, with many believing it can be used to help society.
"To think that decades of race-fueled conflicts could've been avoided if everyone just stayed away from crack," marveled one white man. "Then we could've all been the same, and nobody would have to feel nervous when that one family moved in next door, and they were nice, but you started locking your door just the same."
"I'm glad this study proved that crack is only changing my skin, and not my lungs or brain," opined a happy crack user.
However, Little and his team may soon find themselves on the defensive; a new study is reportedly underway that tests the link between drawing conclusions from studies and being an idiot.