Suicide Bombers' Life Insurance Premiums Soaring
As health, auto and life insurance premiums reach record-high levels in the United States and Europe, another group -- suicide bombers -- has added its voice to the outcry for affordable security.
Citing racial, religious and career discrimination, the Coalition For Better Albeit Shorter Lives, a group established to represent young Muslims that enter the suicide bomber industry, has called for an end to the practice.
"Is 'suicide bomber' a risky career choice? Yes, but no more dangerous than being an Israeli, Iraqi civilian or infidel," stated Sheik Abdul Humamah, head of the CFBASL, "and those groups' rates have been stagnant for years. We demand that insurance providers end their aggressive campaign of discrimination, or they will seethe in the flames of righteous fury from the very young lions they pretend to cover."
Citing unsafe working conditions and a high likelihood of martyrdom, insurance giant State Farm defends the conspicuously high rates it charges for those whose occupation is certain death.
"We simply cannot charge normal rates for men and women on the top of the 'occupational hazard scale'," said Jennifer Sagamon, spokesperson for State Farm. "We take as many workplace factors into account when computing our factor of job-place safety, and unfortunately ‘suicide bomber' tops the list, above even such dangerous occupations as embedded journalist, logger, miner, test pilot and Grateful Dead keyboardist. It's just good business."
Other groups that feel that they have been wrongly overcharged include Taliban leaders, al-Qaeda operatives and jihadists.
"Granted, our reward waits for us in heaven, but this is still bullshit," said John Walker Lindh, the American Taliban member who is being tried under charges of conspiracy and other serious offenses after defecting from America and siding with terrorists. "Everyone is entitled to live with the comfort of knowing that when they die, be it in a glorious pillar of fire or like wretched infidel dogs, that their transitory wealth will be passed on to next of kin, best friends or local Al-Qaeda chapter."
Some have contested that the high cost of maintaining life insurance has driven many young, impoverished Muslim men and women to ending their lives in a coagulation of flames and violence much sooner than if they could have kept a little to put away for a nest egg.
"I would love to raise a family, live a pious life and see world peace become a reality," said Muhammad Mohamed, an unemployed Gaza resident, in a statement to the AP. "Unfortunately, I just can't afford the cursed premiums that my career carries, so my only choice is to do my part in the destruction of Israel, and I just happen to have dynamite strapped to my belt, and we're standing here in a crowded mall in Tel Aviv, so if you'll excuse me…"
Representative of a growing number of zealous but cash-strapped martyrs, Mohamed's decision to quicken the pace of his career is becoming just as necessary to succeed in the role of suicide bomber as a master's degree for an engineer, medical license for a doctor, or shady finances for U.S. Senator. As the number of entry-level bombers grows in this competitive market, so do the associated costs. This will only make matters worse, say industry insiders.
"It's hard to talk someone into making a career change when at the top of the corporate ladder is eternal paradise and something like 16 virgin odalisques," said Ben Stanton, advocate for an affordable living, "but these people are poor enough as it is and can't afford to feed their families or pay the high cost of living. Bleeding them dry with exorbitant insurance rates is only going to encourage them to detonate the charge. Maybe their zeal for Allah also plays a part in this, but I don't know anything about that."