Blog Comments Now Number One Killer Of Americans
People who read user comments on blogs, YouTube videos, and Twitter feeds are 40% more likely to die in the next five years, according to a new study of over three Americans.
Dr. Leslie Cowling, lead researcher for the study at the University of North Carolina, says user comments are more dangerous than other top killers of Americans -- smoking, heart attack from inserting a DVD, and a strange condition known only as "fat fuckery" -- combined.
"We found that for every comment read, life expectancy decreased by an average of one hour," Cowling explained. "Prior to death, most participants in the study had been reduced to a drooling, near-vegetative state in which they could only make sarcastic, ill-informed remarks and call our researchers 'jew niggers'."
Cowling demonstrated the team's findings at a recent medical conference, where attendees had to wear radiation suits to safely view some example comments used in the study. The dangerous text ranged from "im 9 feet tall, my dick is 13 inches" to "fucken picture this you asshole ur mom in my marm sweats". The latter comment appeared on a YouTube video about the horrors of genocide in Sudan.
Caution: readers should have worn radiation suits while reading the above comments.
Cowling warned that although some of the comments seem obviously harmful, extra care must be taken when reading comments that are composed with correct grammar and spelling.
"For example," she said, "I might type something that seems well-written and sound to you, until you realize that I'm suggesting that President Obama and most of his cabinet are lizard people."
The study also revealed that many internet users fall into the deadly trap of attempting to argue and reason with commenters, a highly risky activity that usually results in death from a massive brain aneurysm of confusion and rage.
"Replying to a comment about the inferiority of black people with a logical deconstruction of racial stereotypes is roughly equivalent to asking a gorilla to please stop punching you," Cowling said. "This becomes evident when the person's reply to your thoughtful post is 'lol wat'."
Even comments that aren't malicious can be extremely dangerous. 17 year-old Jonathan Harper was recently hospitalized after "friends" left several harmful messages on his Facebook page.
"I remember seeing 'omg huney where u at lol call me <3' and feeling vaguely sick," he said through the speaking computer that he must now use to communicate. "The next thing I knew, I was falling out of my computer chair after I saw another one that began 'Uh, really? You really like that movie, really? Uh, you do realize that...'"
"I'm sorry," he sobbed, looking at the space where his hands used to be before they were amputated. "I can't go on. It's too snarky."
Perhaps unsurprisingly, internet commenters themselves disagree with the study, claiming that it has a liberal bias, that Dr. Cowling is actually Photoshopped, and that an obscure blog referenced on Wikipedia proves the whole thing wrong.
"You cannot beat us," said the commenters in a statement. "We are legion. We are internet. You fags."