You Will Die Of Swine Flu Really Soon

Pictured: the deadly swine flu

As more and more cases of swine flu are confirmed across the United States, experts throughout the nation have become increasingly certain that most likely, you will die from it really soon.

"Swine flu has the potential to become a pandemic," said Dr. Alan Lepow, an infectious disease specialist at the Cleveland Clinic, implying that eventually, we will all get the swine flu and then die.

What is swine flu? Nobody seems to be able to provide an answer that doesn't take expensive recording time to explain, but many experts seem to agree on one thing: swine flu is similar to the normal human influenza virus, except that instead of causing a runny nose and muscle aches, it causes painful, horrifying death.

One official from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) likened the flu to a "[zombie] virus", something that will spread insidiously and relentlessly, until you'll try and seek help in a hospital, but the hospital will be dark and scary, because everyone inside will be dead from swine flu.

"For example," said Jeffrey Spalding, a man who was standing outside the CDC, "a child contracts swine flu, and passes it on to another child by attacking and biting the other child. Soon, that child begins to vomit blood from the eyes, and the eye-blood vomit can also pass on the virus. Suddenly, all of England is dead. That's pretty much the science of it."

Spalding says that everyone inside the CDC agrees that once swine flu has decided to pursue humanity, "nothing can stop its hunger from devouring all human flesh on Earth."

When pressed, Spalding clarified that the virus does not actually eat human flesh, "but it might as well."

Some estimates indicate that close to 80% of Mexico has already died of the swine flu. Despite efforts by American conservatives to keep these infected Mexicans out of the United States, the swine flu has spread into normal, hardworking American families.

"My husband and I make over $200,000 a year, and even our son has the swine flu," said one tearful mother from Nevada from her son's hospital room, where he is being treated for minor flu-like symptoms. "It just goes to show you that it can happen to anyone."

Her son is expected to make a full recovery, but will live the rest of his life with a complete immunity to future swine flu outbreaks.

Nonetheless, it appears that most of the country -- and almost certainly you -- is headed for a bleak future. Spalding detailed what U.S. citizens may expect in the near future.

"First we'll lose the cities," he said. "Los Angeles, New York, Chicago. Then the flu will hit the schools, killing off our children. Once the urban areas have been ravaged by zombies and looted by African-Americans, the suburbs will be hit. Eventually, all human life will be snuffed out, and the virus will jump to the next most delicious meat. Probably dolphin."

Many Americans expressed outrage that it turned out to be swine flu, not the popular-yet-ineffective avian flu from distant past, which will bring about the apocalypse.

"We were told for years, 'Not enough flu vaccines for bird flu!' or 'More Chinamen died from bird flu!'," said Palm Beach, FL resident Daniel Flowers. "And now it's 'swine flu' this and 'pig whatever' that? These scientists should get real jobs."

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