Fears Spread That Sick Man May Have Tainted Toilet Water With Swine Flu
With new cases of swine flu coming to light by the hour, the Los Angeles County Health Department (LACHD) issued a warning that the area's toilet water may no longer be safe, after one resident who may be suffering from the rapidly-spreading illness admitted to having spent the day in his bathroom "shitting his brains out."
The potential carrier, Robert Godfrey, is currently being held in quarantine, along with his porcelain throne.
"We do not know at this time if Mr. Godfrey is suffering from H1N1 influenza A, or from some milder sickness," said LACHD spokesperson Thomas Hilliard. "Nevertheless, we are taking all precautions, and are urging everyone to avoid using toilet water for drinking, bathing or vacating bowels in. We need to verify that our sanitary sewerage hasn't been polluted by exposure to this terrible virus that may have been lodged in fecal matter."
Until the flu is better controlled and understood, Hilliard suggested that CA residents should shit in the streets and remain calm.
Godfrey, now known by some as "Patient Shitter Zero", issued an apology to the citizens of Los Angeles through KNX 1070 News Radio.
"I apologize to the citizens of the state of California for my selfish and careless act," said the potentially infected resident. "I do pray that my affliction is merely regular influenza, or food poisoning, or something that will not make the City of Los Angeles' waste supply permanently unusable. All I ask is to be humbly to be forgiven, and that the people understand that I just really had to go. That kind of urgency clouds your thinking."
Many close to Godfrey were astonished at his uncharacteristically thoughtless behavior.
"I can't believe that he would do that," said Godfrey's wife Yolanda. "I can't believe he would chance recklessly poisoning all of Los Angeles with the AIDS of the 21st century by defecating directly into the toilet."
Representatives for the Center for Disease Control have urged calm, stating that the contaminate issued from Godfrey may have merely been regular influenza, which only kills 7,000 Americans per year, unlike the much more deadly swine flu that has already killed one American, with another guy possibly on the way.
However, in an interview on Meet The Press Thursday morning, Vice President Joe Biden said that remaining calm "is a death wish", and predicted that most of the country would be dead within 8-10 days.
"I told my family that I love them, and that the next time they see Daddy, he'll be in a fucking body bag," Biden said, staring intently into the camera. "That's me. That's my fucking thing."
Biden's office later clarified his remarks, explaining that he meant to say that the swine flu is not a big deal, and that he heard the Wolverine movie is supposed to be pretty good.