Study: America Has The Best Healthcare System Out Of Any America
A new study commissioned by several moderate Senators has concluded that the U.S.'s healthcare system currently ranks number one out of all other Americas, which some say makes the case for abandoning reform efforts.
The study, which was conducted by several professors from a new school in Washington, D.C. called the University of Healthcare, included the United States as a participant. Other Americas, such as South America, were not involved.
"Is our healthcare system perfect? No. But is it perfect compared to every single other country out there -- named America -- that participated in our study? Yes," said Dr. Ince Uranceagint, the lead researcher on the study. "In light of these stunning results, I can think of no possible reason that we would ever stop paying the nice folks in our existing healthcare system all that money that they so desperately need and deserve."
Researchers polled over 13 people living in America who have recently needed some kind of medical care that their insurance paid for. All 13 gave the country's healthcare system positive feedback, with several participants leaving comments such as "A+ EXCELLENT WOULD USE AGAIN".
Politicians and radio talk-show hosts alike have seized on the results of the study, which they say proves that the U.S. has the best healthcare system in the American world.
"Did you know that America once sanctioned treating its mentally ill with involuntary lobotomies? Our healthcare system is certainly better than that America of olden times," said conservative talk show host Glenn Beck. "Whenever I see mental cases ranting and raving in the bus stations and subways around our great country, it makes me proud that each and every one of them was not forced to have a portion of their brain removed."
Critics of proposed healthcare reform say they do have ideas of their own to make some small improvements to America's "basically perfect" system, including dressing infants up in little business suits, thus fooling companies into providing them with healthcare.
President Obama, believing members of Congress would work out their differences calmly and quickly as they have in the past, tasked them with passing healthcare reform before the government's annual August Funfest vacation at Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom. Much to the President's surprise, however, most Senators and Representatives have spent the past 25 days attempting to defecate in each other's mouths.
"Did you see the way [Speaker of the House] Nancy Pelosi just tried to shit down my throat?" demanded Senator Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) in a press conference on Monday, attempting to position his ass over a grinning, signed picture of Pelosi reading "Hey Jim -- can't wait to ride the water slides this summer! Stay cool! - Nan." "I hope you saw that, America, because that's all the Democrats have been trying to do to us, even as we think of like 100 cool ideas for our healthcare system. For example: what if you could fly to the hospital?"
Now, it appears less and less likely that reform will occur before the August recess, even with Obama's repeated cries of "You guys!" and "I'm serious."
Another hurdle to remaking the American healthcare system: the prospect of a tax increase on the top 1% of Americans -- people rarely seen in the wild, but believed to be over seven feet tall and made of gold -- to help pay for it.
"Oh, that's rich -- another tax on the rich," said one rich man richly. "We should try taxing the poor sometime. Then we wouldn't need to give them so much god damned help with everything, because they'd know what it's like to be rich."
In a recent poll, poor people who have no hope of ever becoming even remotely rich agreed, saying that they won't like to be taxed excessively when they become rich someday.